uh i dont think anyone can actually look at this but if you do then please if you care about me at all just dont read this
page 1: 13th August. 2021 - Present
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3 february 2023
okayyyy okay okay i will write it in here bc i wanted to last night but then i psyched myself out thinking it was just a me thing. and like, it probably is just a me thing. im having such a nobody care me time rn and it sucks. i was feeling this on monday, i felt this on thursday, and i felt this tonight and it totally is correlated to my partner not paying enough attention to me and like i literally was just patting myself on the back for not feeling like this, like literally earlier this week. i think it was on tuesday??? i made some sort of comment about how i felt like its a good sign that i dont go crazy when they cant give me attention... but now its been like over a week since we hung out for more than 1 hour (which has happened twice this week) and im like aaaauuugh am i boring you?? do i drain your energy?? am i too distracting? like.... i just dont feel like a priority at all i guess... bc they only ever talk to me in the evenings, like the earliest we've hung out is 7pm and like ;__; i get it you have stuff to do, but like.. so do i... but im not socially unavaliable until the evening, and if i am its bc im like literally doing some sort of fully attention consuming task where im not home, or at work, or im at home but im doing something... but usually whatever im doing doesnt take sooooo long that im legit gone for like 7 hours. it just kind of hurts my feelings that they would rather watch youtube and post to twitter than talk to me. like ugh. idk, i feel like im draining to them. maybe i'm too much. it frightens me tho ;-; bc like, i really really genuinely like them and i have very consistently gotten my stuff done early in the day and told them days in advance when im gonna be busy. im trying really hard to get time together. and like, yeah. timezones. distance. yada yada. i knew that was gonna be really hard for me but i don't want it to be a deal breaker. i dont want to have to hi-bye with my partner 4-5 days every week when they get a job i need way more attention than that. rn they have like, job interviews and moving stuff but im not understanding how that is such an emotionally exhausting leaving you completely wiped out kind of activity... like, i go to work and that shit makes me really tired but i can still hang out and talk to friends afterwards, and i think its important to when said friend wants to hang out?? like that's how you keep friends, thats how you maintain friendships... idk... i guess i should make a note of what specifically is bugging me and why exactly i get the feeling they're being avoidant. on monday we made plans to hang out, since i didnt work that day. they finally can talk to me around 6pm (9pm for them) and within an hour they're talking about how sleepy they are and end up going to bed. i work on tuesday, after work we chat a bit on discord and later when saying goodnight they comment about how we could have called and stuff and like okie :broken-heart: then on wednesday we talk a bit but only on discord bc im at my firends house until like midnight my time, and they comment again about how we could have called but i had told them like multiple times i was at my friends house and like..... idk i can let it go but i hope that isn't going to be a reoccuring thing where i tell you what's going on but you dont remember bc it feels like a you dont care to remember thing. anyway since i had some stuff going on we planned to talk on thursday, which was yesterday.... and they had spontaneously went and got drinks with friends and got "super drunk" then came home and we chatted for like an hour before they went to bed... and like ;__; idk. if my friends asked me to go do things with them and i had plans to hang out with my partner i would've just told them no. like, am i not your friend too? do you not see our hang out times as something important? then today they told me its "too bad" that i work today bc they were feeling mellow and like ;__; ?? then why is it when i get off work you dont message me at all on discord until i say on twitter that im being psychotic and am gonna log off for the night. why did you message me and say you were watching youtube videos and forgot to log into discord. why was it mere minutes after i told twitter goodnight that you message me. anyways i was like whatever. i'll reply to that later, i'll see what happens tomorrow and if it keeps up maybe i'll ask them about it. i get theyre under a lot of stress but like, so am i dude yet i have no trouble at all finding time for you. im not good at time estimates, im not good at being ready exactly when i said i would be, but i try. i try really hard to make sure that i am avaliable to you. i'm going thru probably one of the most stressful periods of my entire life, and yet i still go the extra mile for you because you are my partner. because i do love you. and i want you to love me too. i don't think i ask for much, i get that it's unrealistic to have long talks every day. im fine texting/chatting on discord. but it hurts my feelings when it feels as though im some kind of burden to you, that you'd rather do anything else than talk to me. alright, im gonna be done. this is not an official strike one, this is just a "keep an eye on this" kind of thing. im not gonna subject myself to another relationship where im seen as unimportant, where i dont incite excitement when i message my partner. you have to meet me half way, because while i have a lot of love to give i need to be given some back. i'm fine being the high energy one! but you have to like that about me. you have to care about me and you have to put my before some youtube video that you can pause and watch literally any other time.
2 february 2023
idk. trying to keep it together still. i think i went about a week without having some sort of big breakdown where i cry real tears over it. i just feel like im wasting my time for no reason at all. there's nothing making me do it. i just... am doing it. and it sucks. it makes me so upset and disappointed in myself. today i had the day off. i slept in til about noon, stayed in bed playing games and stuff til about 3pm when i did my patreon letters and then noodle's fluids and then i started doing nothing again. i was in waiting mode, i was waiting for my partner to go home so we could hang out... even tho i knew they probably werent gonna get home until closer to 9pm. i knew not to wait and i told them just text me so i get a notification and YET i was still on my laptop waiting... like what the hell........ why would i do that to myself for like 2.5 hours i should have done my laundry or something or drawn, idk. literally anything!!! i got nothing done and its not their fault even im just insane and i lose the fight against executive dysfunction all day every day it seems. ugh.... whatever. i'll try to get something done on saturday. i just wish i could work on my comic. but i dont have the willpower.
19 jan 2023
really feel like im losing it today. i feel like im just constantly dissociating, perpetually. i feel like im abberating, splitting at the seams. i'm developing a hair trigger negative reaction to seeing people complain about "spilled milk-esque things" and stuff that to me, is not a problem. like you people have it sooooo good. your parents are alive, your siblings are all alive. you don't feel like you're becoming schizophrenic and seeing shadows move and hearing things. like fuck off. i dont care if the creator of your fave tv show turned out to suck, you don't get to be suicidal and talk about how you hope you die from a blood clot because of it. you don't get to tweet about how you're worried your friend might commit suicide, but at the same time complain that you're nonverbal and cant do anything to help said friend aside from complain on twitter about it. this is self induced. i wish my problems were as simple as yours are. i wish my problems could be fixed! but they cant! i dont get to be happy! i do not get chances like you do. i can't believe this person constantly goes on about their made up problems like this when i have real problems. my dad died and i never got to say bye. my dad died because of a blood clot. you cannot say that you wish you could die from one over a tv show. im just so angry. im hurting and its like no one even fucking cares. i wish i could have been my parents dead child instead of my sister. i fucking hate this life. and i fucking hate listening to people who don't even know how much worse theirs could be.
15 jan 2023
my dad's service is next sunday, a week from today on jan 22nd. i dont really know what im supposed to feel. i mean like, i can be sad, upset, frustrated. all that. or i could be happy that i knew my dad. happy that i had time with him at all. bittersweet. i dont know. i dont really feel anything. i mean rn, im like sobbing and im really upset. bc i just cant seem to feel the right things. my mom wants me around her more, but i dont want to be around her. i feel like im letting her down. i dont want to have conversations about my dads service or the ways he hurt our feelings. i dont want to talk about how much i miss him. i dont want to talk about things and make fake plans for shit just to talk and fill up the space. and like... maybe thats the problem. is that i dont want to feel. like... i do want to talk to people. but i dont want to talk about the things my mom wants to talk about. i dont want to talk about how i wish it were a bad dream for the 17438th time. i dont want to talk about how im just waiting for him to come home. i have already said these things. so many times. i dont want to cry just to cry anymore. i want to hug my dad again and talk to him, and tell him that im sorry for not trying very hard to make our family better. because i know that was hurting him. it was hurting all of us. i wish i talked to him more about work. and found ways to hang out with him more. i wish i could keep watching tv with him, i would watch something like the rookie, which i dont like, just to hang out with him again. but i cant have that. i know i cant have that. and i hate sitting here, crying aimlessly wishing that things were different. because they wont be. it happened, and hes gone. i dont want to talk to my mom about it. i dont want to repress it, but its like listening to the same broken record. i get angry and i want to walk away. and i know that part of it is my running away from my feelings. but its still... i just dont want to weep over and over about what could have been. i love my dad. i will always love my dad. but im allowed to live. i dont want to lose myself in a never ending pool of grief. i dont want to repress my sadness, and my pain. i dont want to repress and bottle things up. i want to be able to process. but i need time and i need space.
13 jan 2023
oh i have the psychosis at 10pm thats cool. just wanted to report that i'm still so scared of losing everything and everyone that i love. its been like near constant for the last 2 months, i just cant stop thinking about it. the consistent reaffirmations that im losing what i hold dearest (my cat, my fish, my dad) is really making me think that im just a ticking time bomb and my partner will lose interest and we'll break up. it kind of hurts my feelings a little when they tell me goodnight then i see them on twitter 2 hours later. but i also understand we are both adults and i highly doubt its personal anyway. there has been zero indication that they dont like me as much as they used to, or anything like that. they have ocd so im like weeee i hope you aren't having anxieties about me :') but i guess im having stupid irrational anxieties about them with no basis in reality so... idk! ugh........ it's just a lot. there's just a lot wrong in my head. i know i am my own worst enemy but i seriously feel so unlovable and like we did talk and we had a nice convo about anxieties and our relationship. so that was nice. i'm just like... insatiable rn i guess. i feel as though there is nothing in the world that can prove to me im worthwhile. and nothing in the world that can prove to me that the people who matter the most wont just up and die on me. i went to work yesterday for the first time in a month. i'm kind of sick on top of all this, but it was nice until i started coughing and it was like ripping at my ribs which really hurt. i also was getting triggered by sirens, but i kiiinda figured that would happen so i tried to mentaly prepare mysel and just think of it as like exposure therapy. weh. im not really looking forward to this. the work thing in particular, bc i know its gonna be rough to readjust to it. but anyway. yeah. i feel bad. oh also i hve stupid apathy issues hardcore bc i've kinda been just blasting music in my ears to make my brain shut up but the thing is that when i turn my feelings off it makes it really hard to get them back on all the way. whichhhh makes me concerned that ignoring bad thoughts like that is not the healthier coping mechanism i thought it was :'D oh well. i'll try to work on it. bye.
7 jan 2023
wanted to talk about my dad first. but the other thing i wanted to talk about here was that i have a partner, me and my crush started dating on the 10th. i had been talking to them on discord, then when i was walking to work i decided to confess. that way if they said no then i'd be distracted for a while. they replied "OH THANK GOD" which like LOL i think that's a really funny thing to say. (is it weird to completely shift my tone like this? maybe? i definitely feel really weird talking about such a happy thing when i was just talking in depth about how my dad died, but oh well. that's why i wanted to put it in two seperate entries, but idk.) so yeah, it's been almost a month... but it feels like its been such a long time. i know its because of the traumatic event that literally just happened. it might also feel longer because we've been goofing around the bush for a few weeks prior and also had been talking most days as well. i will admit its scary. i definitely do not have any grievances, but i worry we're going too fast. i like were its going. but it's definitely... not lowkey like we had said we were gonna keep it. well, idk. maybe it is. idkkkk but we're talking a lot about going to see each other, and like i think we're just waiting for them to get stable independency again. rn theyre at their parents house bc they had just graduated, theyre looking for a job and an apartment and will probably be in a good spot sooner rather than later. i figure once that happens we're probably going to actually start entertaining these thoughts, and like... im honest to god very here for it. whiiich scares me slightly. because i was worried about getting too into this too quickly. theyre already saying the love word and it makes my heart flutter bc like Yeah! i think im in love with them too... but im also so so so terrified of jumping the gun and getting my feelings hurt. im also really fucking scared that im being too distant with them. i mean, like. logically speaking no im not. i talk to them every day, we have watched it's always sunny like. pretty much every single day for the last two plus weeks. but there's moments where im like. fuck. am i not doing enough. am i not reciprocating enough. are you going to get bored of me and slowly start to lose interest. im really scared. i cannot do another heart break. i literally can't. you just cannot break my heart right now, i will fucking die. i am losing everything and i just cannot lose even one more person rn. it's fightening to me. it really scares me, because i can think that i'm not being dependent but then i get thoughts like THAT and i can't shake that fear. and it makes me afraid to get even more invested in this. i think i should just be upfront and tell them im scared to get too close but i hate that its like, basically gonna boil down to me asking "do u like me" when its ummm very obvious to me that they do. but i guess i just want them to know that if im ever seeming like... out of it or like that im not reciprocating enough that it's not them. it's just that im insane :) ok yeah i will message them later. just a short hopefully less than 3 sentences thing. i dont want them to wake up to some long ass novel from me about how i had bad thoughts in the middle of the night and cried about it. but yeah. im pretty intensely worried about getting my heart broke and also that i may end up breaking their heart and gradually making them become more distant with me. IDK. im probably just making shit up as i do. but yeah, im really thankful to have them. i feel like im losing touch with my mom and my brother. i've been wanting out of this house for a long time, but i just need out right away. asap. i hope that we can visit each other, and i hope that i dont hate the part of florida they live in because :') im afraid of the heat. but you know what it's always hot as fuck here too so fuck it! atleast it rains all year round, and there's a beach :D but yeah. lot of stuff on my mind.
7 jan 2023
its been a moment. im gonna make two posts. i wanted to get back into this thing because i think its healthier than airing shit out on twitter but on the 11th my dad died. he died so suddenly it was like 3:30 in the morning when i heard him stumble out of the room and go out to the bathroom. he was just coughing uncontrollably, i brushed it off for the first few mins bc he's done this before. he had pneumonia in jan2022 and broke his rib from coughing, which didnt heal properly. then in oct2022 he had to get the broken rib removed. he was healing, but he didnt think it was right. he went to the doctor on december 8th, they said he should go see a pulmonologist and told him if he didnt feel any pain then it wasn't a heart attack. so there had been a few nights where he got up, he couldnt sleep. i didnt know how serious it was. he called my mom after a few mins asking for her help, she was running back and forth and thats when i got up. i was scared, i didn't even know just how bad it was but i knew i was NOT going to be in bed again if someone died. i was not going to not help. not again. i woke my brother up, we were gonna take him to the ER. i heard him breathing and there was this horrible crackling noise, it's got a specific name to it but i can't remember. but its a sign something is really wrong with your lungs. i went out to start the car. i waited out there, but no one came out and i just saw my mom pacing back and forth. so i went back inside, my dad had collapsed in the hallway to the bathroom. my mom was on the phone with 911. there's so much clutter in the house, so i just started pushing everything i could think of out of the way and make it easier for them to get my dad. when they came i just stood with my mom, hugging each other in the back hallway. praying and praying that my dad would be okay. i froze. i thought like, maybe if i didnt cry maybe if i refused to believe that death was a possibility it wouldn't happen. but i could hear them doing cpr, i could hear them trying EVERYTHING. they had to use a defibrilator. they were using some injection stuff. i didn't dare look, i didn't need the visual burned into my mind. but i could just imagine it. i can still imagine it. they said they got him back, but he wasn't stable. they were talking about taking him to the ambulance. i could tell that he wasn't in an ideal condition for them to move him, but they needed to get him to the hospital. they got him on a stretcher and took him out. i remember them saying to be careful to not slip on the steps outside. they took him to the hospital. it was the same hospital that they took my sister to. i went in my nightrobe, i had some t shirt on and my khaki shorts on underneath it but no socks just some slip on shoes. they had us wait in a room, which is the same room we were in ten years ago, until around a little after 5am or so, one of the paramedics came in first to tell us that they're still working on him. then a little bit later the doctor came in, he had a mask on, but his eyes were crinkled. not like a smile, i can't really remember. but there was an emotion there, maybe it was pained. but at first i was hoping, hoping just maybe he would say that my dad was ok. he started out saying that they worked on him for a long time, they got him back at our house but lost him again. but then they got him back again, he said my dad was a fighter. it was agonizingly long, just waiting for a "he's okay", but he said they lost him again here at the hospital and could not get him back. i screamed, i screamed so hard that it was like. looking back on it it was like a piece of me just fucking shattered in an instant. my heart broke. my heart is so broken. he left the room, the paramedic said that they will let us go see him shortly. it was so agonizing waiting in that hellish room. the only other time i screamed like that in my life was when my mom came in and yelled at me 10 years ago, telling me "wake up, your sister is DEAD." we eventually got to go see him, after like some of the longest 20 minutes ive ever experienced. his skin was so yellow, he was so cold. he was in the same exact room that my sister was in. i could not stand it. i wanted to run away. it was so early in the morning, our only family member we could get in contact with was my grandpa. eventually we got ahold of my aunt and uncle, my dad's siblings. it was just so quiet. my dad was such a silly guy, we had some comments about the things he'd always do. like his gold panning and clicking his money on that dumb slot machine game he loved so much. eventually we left around 7am. i told my mom i couldn't live in that house anymore. i took noodle with me to emily's for 2 nights and 3 days, i just couldn't be there. i feel awful for running away but i couldn't do it. my brother had ended up finding out that my dad had thrown up a lot, and there was a lot of blood. they didn't do a full autopsy, not sure why, but the consensus was that it was a pulmonary embolism, and the doctor had said that once he had thrown up like that it meant it had already embolised, and there was nothing we could have done unless he was like already at the hospital. it breaks my heart. i had been talking about it on twitter a little bit, and one of my friends whos in med school had replied to me saying "the doctors said it wasnt a heart attack if he didnt feel pain, he just couldn't breathe" and he had told me it sounded like a pulmonary embolism. which this was... hours before the doctors had even decided that was what happened. idk. i have many things to be upset about, but that hurts my heart so much. i understand my dad was likely not being entirely honest with his doctor, but like.... the way someone else was able to guess based on such little context. my heart is completely broken. i miss my dad so fucking much. when i got home from emily's, i had helped clean up the rest of the computer area and hallway. there were many papers on the floor to begin with but it was super difficult to pick up the letover trash from the paramedics. it was like, plastic wraps from breathing tubes, cartons that contained syringes, these rectangle sheets of plastic that for all i know came from the defribilator. there was this little piece of gauze on the floor that had my dad's blood on it. it really painted the scene for me in ways i just didnt want to know. man.... ive been putting off writing in here because i know i wanted to write down what happened,i just needed to be in the right place to do so. its 2am rn, which isn't great... but i feel like i can talk about it here finally. there's some other stuff i want to talk about too, but i want to put it in a second entry.
5 december 2022
alright i think i figured out a temporary solution while i search for a therapist. when i start fixating on some bad idea i need to ask myself this: How long have I been having these thoughts? Why am I thinking this way/why do I think this is going to happen? Is this based in self doubt, that I don't trust myself or what? like for example earlier i was saying i thought i was reaching for any sort of connection and that my feelings for this person were not genuine, then I asked myself why. And my answer was that I was worried about having nothing left after my cat passes, and then I also realised I only started thinking about this today. I've been passively interested in this person since we started watching that tv show together. The reason my feelings were passive was bc I don't really like long distance and also there was no indication there was any interest returned. Also, I'm demisexual. That explains why it took so long for my feelings to become what they are now. That doesnt mean they are fake, or that I'm only interested because there was a suggestion that they may have returned feelings. So like, yeah. Maybe there is a subconcious desire to rush things, but also these thoughts are misguided. I am thinking this way about getting a new fish, I want to continue having an animal companion after noodle. This does not mean my feelings for this person are fake, they aren't an animal companion I have never viewed this like that and it's silly to think that I might have when I know for a fact these thoughts only started today. Really helped me realise I was avoiding the crush thing again lol anyway bye
4 december 2022
just gonna talk about my life rn, i didnt wanna ruin the focus of my last post and i didnt want to make myself cry by typing about it just for the sake of journalling... but im ready to talk about it now. at the end of august noodle was diagnosed with kidney failure and i had to spend like $2.5k to save her life. but i would do it again in a heartbeat. shes still her with me, she gets fluids and a pill everyday. im really happy shes with me still. on november 10th just a day before his 3 year anniversary with me, alistair passed away and my heart is incredibly broken. he meant the world to me, just like noodle does. it really hurts still, almost a month later im still catching myself almost saying hi to him when i talk to my corydoras. it's really difficult to deal with. i've been really bad at taking care of the tank. i also am dirt poor, my bank account was negative for the first time ever a few weeks ago :'D im gonna be okay, i get paid in 6 days and i have like $400 coming from patreon. but yeah, shit's been really rough. which leads me to my next point... im gonna try to get back into going to therapy again. im looking it up now since there's one on stark street that i think would be alright to go to and wont take like, an hour to get to like the last place did. life be crazy, i have a lot of issues going on and it's like every other night im driving myself crazy. i would like to talk to someone again and have them be the mediator for me, myself, and i. the crush i have rn is genuine for the most part i think bc i've liked this person for a long time (not to this level, but you know. it was like "this person has attractive qualities" and everything kind of went bananas when they said they have a crush on someone.) but yeah, im worried that i'm jumping the gun because im depserate for someone to love and im yet again just grabbing aimlessly for Anyone who likes me because my fish died. my cat is slowly dying. my cat is going to decline again sooner rather than later and i worry that i am desperate for something to hold on to so that when she goes i haven't lost EVERYTHING that i love. and like, i think i should be rational about this. tonight is the first time i've thought that maybe that is what i'm doing, and if this person approaches me about dating i've been kinda preparing myself to be honest that im very interested but im also really going through it. and i worry that since we're both kind of obsessive people it might have issues if i go into this as mentally unstable as i am rn. all throughout september and parts of october and november i've been feeling really suicidal and it's... just a fact i'm not in a good spot right now. i really like and i respect this person and I don't want things to be difficult because i haven't found help and i don't want to start talking to them about my issues and dump my problems onto them. they seem to be putting up with my crazy person tweets so maybe if they like me at my worst it will be fine :'D but yeah. i just don't think it's a good idea to walk into something i know im probably going to handle really inappropriately since i'm such a serious person when it comes to dating. like i've had many thoughts (albeit mostly intrusive/not seriously entertaining these thoughts) about how i could get out of my parents house and move in with them. last night i was thinking about them so much that looking back on that im kinda like... hmmm.... ok.... i dont think im gonna be able to physically hold myself back and restrain myself like i know that i should. i mean i dont really know what other people do in relationships so i cant exactly guage what isnt and isnt normal romantic behaviour but i think i would struggle to be normal and appropriate due to the way im behaving. and i guess its because i will inevitably have these thoughts of wanting more and they will likely turn into real wants and desires. which ... sure i don't know i cant predict it, its possibly that i will be alright. but i can't really trust myself to be even if im aware of the issue. i was well aware of the issues in my last relationship and it took me like 9 extra months to get it over with. and like, yeah. i last dated in 2018 ? so yeah its been a while. but also.... i dont really know how much i've changed in the relationship aspect aside from like the basic maturity things. im not really experienced. but yeah, this is why i wanna talk to someone and maybe try to rationalize and keep things in check. im hoping that i can figure something out and atleast jump on a waitlist.
2 december 2022
hello good evening. its me. its only ever me. after almost a year of silence and head emptyness. i basically use twitter as a diary which is like ok. thats cool i guess. but its just for the other gay people in my phone. my account is private it will never be unlocked lol anyway i have come here today because this is where i go to talk about my crushes. bc i think it would be inappropriate to talk about crushes when ermmmm the person i have a crush on is on twitter and can read everything i say AND I THINK THEY ARE? hold on i have to go make a bagel its making me nauseous im so coward rn. ok im back now. but yeah like, they posted they have a crush on someone and theyve been drawing my ocs a whole lot and im like .w. hi. i didnt say anything. im oblivious. plus i HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO PROCEED EVEN???????? its not like we know each other irl, so its not like i could slyly ask them out.... erm. trying to think about my past and how that worked but also i think ive had anomoly partners that were weird asf. not normal people at all. not that im particularly normal but those people hmmmmmm. ok anyway. the long distance thing is. kind of.... a not good thing. bc i dont think i could tolerate it for very long BUT also we're older and this person is about to be independent ???? and i have a job already....... and like whew. what if we did the lesbian thing where we move in together. man idk. i dont wanna give too much thought about it bc like, this isn't really a thing. i have no idea if their crush is on ME or if its someone else also this is someone ive known for a few years yeah. this person has like.. phases and im like aaaahhhh really not sure. i think i have an issue where i get too invested very quickly. and i do NOT want a repeat of my last relationship where i went into it bc i was like yay someone likes me and i like them too only to find out i cannot stand them. weh.... a lot to think about. ok bye
24 january 2022
good aftermewn.... i havent been using my computer. work is making me feel B A N A N A S and i have to rant. i really like my team. i like my barista coworkers and i like most of the supervisors too. but im thinking about transferring to the store thats close to my house. this is 50% because it'd cut my commute time in half and also save me $5 every day and risking getting covid from the stupid train/bus. and the other 50% is because there are things that 3 of the supervisors do that really bug me, and since i have anxiety it's keeping me up at night. im often overthinking about how to fix these problems im having, and that just further stresses me out because i think 1. i do not have the authority or friendship level with these people to ask them to stop and really be listened to in a meaningful way, and 2. this seems to be a personality clashing thing. i get a long with these people pretty well and i care about them, but the first one R is just way too much of a hardass to everyone. she nitpicks people about things that aren't exactly within their control, like its not dto's fault if someone orders their things wrong. nor is it the window persons fault if the person is taking forever to pay/leave/wants a remake. i dont work with this supervisor too much thought because im not working in the mornings. the other two people tho are a bit of a bigger problem because i work with them more frequently, i see atleast one if not both of them nearly every day im at work. the main thing is the gossip, these two consistently complain about the other people they work with and i'm often in their vicinity and have to hear it. i like them though, i think theyre nice and funny and they seem to like me too but i just. this is what i'm always trying figure out how to fix. im always thinking about how to ask them to stop and how to tell them that it's a starbucks problem and people shouldn't be blamed for "letting the team down" and xyz. C seems to know that shes a hardass, but she doesn't seem to care. she tells me, and i believe this was in confidence, that she pretty much feels sabotaged when someone who i really care about is unable to finish all of the tasks (and also start doing the nightcrew tasks for them). she said that this person lets us goof off all day. that hurt my feelings, we don't do that. i tried to defend my crew, since i tend to be there for the end of midday and start of night and i see what's going on and what's preventing us from doing those tasks (typically understaffing, we often have like 4-5 ppl on the floor only). shes just... so caught up in being right about other people. i dropped it but this happened weeks ago and it's still upsetting to me. i don't want an apology from her, i just want her to eventually understand that if we don't meet her expectations it's not sabotage nor does it mean we're goofing off. and lastly... the third person whos been bothering me, K. this one i don't know how to really feel about bc they're actually a really kind and flexible person, and they don't really gossip without reason (they do it in a more, light venting about frustrations way.) they actually try to fix problems when they see them and they're also seemingly pretty aware that it's OK for people to not always be 110% and sometimes people can't come in to work. but i think they are the one to blame for someone getting fired for "being transphobic" and i have a really hard time believing she actually is transphobic since she was using they/them for me without me even asking. i dont know the full situation, but i do know that it came from the inside and not a customer. i know im missing the entire context, but it sounds like this supervisor weaponized their identity to get someone they didn't like fired. that rubs me the wrong way. and it really bothers me because the supervisor is white and the girl who was fired is black. she was also consistently talking about needing to make rent and having things to pay for. if it's true that they got this person wrongfully fired all because they have some personality clashing and different work ethics.... idk. i just can't respect that. that makes me super uncomfortable. it's not that i don't support a no-tolerance on transphobia, i think that's a good rule to have especially when we have so MANY trans people at this location, but this had to have weighed very unfairly in her favour. she was a really kind person and a really good worker. if it's true that she was actually transphobic i'd be really hurt and lose respect for her, but i just can't wrap my head around it. the reasoning i heard was specifically that she "wasn't respecting nonbinary identities" which sure, maybe she didn't like this supervisor and misgendered them bc she she didn't like them. that's transphobia. but its more nuanced than that because within days of me getting a pronoun pin that has they/she, she was using they/them for me very frequently. i never asked her to, i never asked anyone to. but she was one of the few people who actually did change what pronouns they use for me. this is another situation im constantly thinking about. this happened back in december, january is almost over and i cant stop thinking about this person who i considered my buddy/friend. it hurts a lot bc i know if she was intentionally misgendering the supervisor that's grounds for a complaint bc you can't just pick and choose who's identity you respect. but it's also like augh!!! what if they really did weaponize their identity bc they didn't get along with her. what if there really was racism involved in how quickly she was terminated. it really upsets me. i dont think im allowed to ask for the full story, the girl who as fired doesnt even know. no one wants to talk about it... idk how to bring this up to the manager, she's really sweet but shes not very good at coaching people unless shes right there when it happens. i want to mention it though. this has been bothering me for a while and it's stressing me out, and since the nice supervisor (the one who C complained about) is trying to transfer. i dont wanna be petty and be like "so here's why everyone is leaving your store.... anyway bye!" because i actually really like my manager and i really like my team/coworkers. i think it's okay to be human. i think it's okay to make mistakes. im a really forgiving person i think, which is why im still firendly/close with all these supervisors even tho i just complained about them and talked about why they stress me out LOL. idk i just want them to know it's going to be ok. and things don't need to be perfect. and also maybe find a way to make sure C doesn't find snide ways to diss my friend and team direactly to my face again. because yeah actually i do kinda want her to say sorry for that one it was really mean ): anyway. ive been typing for like a whole hour so im gonna stop.
18 october 2021
HELLO AGAIN GAY PEOPLE.......... lemme get the life update out of the way real quick. things have been okay!! im pretty close to finishing chapter 7 which is cool, also i got my hair dyed pink on the 16th! its really cute, i got it cut into a bob and its really nice i love it, the pink is balayaged in so it looks very nice. im pretty happy with where things are going/have been aside from like, persistent brain fog. im not overworked i think but its like, teetering a bit close cuz i dont have very much energy after work these days. also not a lot of drawing energy to begin with but im trying to get thru it. probably will rework some patreon rewards so that im not having to do anything but make pages (which is what i'd be doing regardless.) i signed up to work on the holidays cuz i could use the extra cash, i kinda have poor spending habits ;__; trying my best to save up. working the holidays will be interesting, i do enjoy my job so it shouldnt be too bad. also i think i might've totally misinterepreted what my coworker was doing when shes like, loud about having a gf and like it is a little weird but she might just be proud to be out as gay. she said she moved in with her gf and shes only 17 so i wonder if her home situation was homophobic or something, like i feel like shes probably just doing it to express her identity in ways she might not have been able to before. anyway uhhhh? i think thats all. now on to the reason i remembered to post here today........... sorry future me this is so cringe but after like 5-6 weeks i saw a certain someone today and ohhhhh. oh. oh i have it so bad. normally when i have a crush on someone it goes away, especially if i dont interact with them at all?? idk i havent had very many crushes but its still here its as strong as ever. i think about her and i smile so big like, its honestly so embarassing! but its not my fault shes just so cute!!! i didnt get to say hi, i just waved excitedly at her bc i was at the drive thru and couldnt leave. but like ;__; fellas.... fellas.... is it gay......... to really really like a woman.............. when you are a lesbian......................... yeah. this is like highschool levels of crushing. man i hope she thinks my hair is cute. i didnt look at the new schedule but i hope she's on it, but like hopefully only if shes recovered ofc. i'd hate for her to be forced back too early before her injury is fully healed but i do miss her a lot and im excited to see her again. i was very surprised to see her again today, like i did ask someone and they said she said she was coming back in november so i knew she didnt leave BUT i have anxiety. i was a little worried i would never see her again :( but its okay!!!! shes doing well i hope!!! i didnt get to ask so im just hoping shes doing well!!! no one said what she was doing at work today and i didnt wanna ask cuz i try to not be nosy, and she was only there for like 10-15 minutes. im like, lowkey hoping shes there tomorrow to count tips but that seems unlikely. i wonder if she was there to get back on the schedule earlier but i also dont know and i dont wanna get my hopes up that i'll see her again at all this month. but yeah. anyways. i want her to come back bc the midday lesbian trifecta will be complete again (and also need to show her pics of velvet worms). OH ALSO. SPEAKING OF THE WORMIES. my pins should be arriving soon??? the scheduled arrival date is tomorrow but they shipped it on the 13th from china so i kinda dont believe it would be be here in a week. but who the heck knows. also i discovered a new bug which is a springtail called podura and they look like fricken fruit gummies i love them so much theyre so head empty and dumb looking i wanna protect them.... ok goodbye
5 october 2021
hello again gay people (still just me) its been like 2 weeks whoops. my brains getting foggy. im working 5-6 days a week pretty consistently now and like i dont hate it but im tired lol gotta change my avalibility again so i dont have to wake up before 7 am... anyway im just weh. i had some stuff to write here but i got distracted and now i dont remember. so bye again!
22 september 2021
hello gay people (me, im gay people) tomorrow is my birth of days. crazy how nature do dat. i figured i'd write here since iwas feeling very chatty on my twitter account and i dont think i need to make like 7 tweets in a row. today was a strange day. honestly it was fine, i dont wanna sound like im lowkey starting to dilike my job or any of my coworkers but yeah. one of my coworkers confuses me. im probably reading too much into it bc thats what i do bc i have anxiety. but shes like. acting weird around me by being randomly cold or even downright passive aggressive and i?? dont know why? she also talks about her gf so much and not in like a meaningful way either, just sorta exclaiing that she has one. or literally flirting with customers when i have to work on the driver thru with her. like girl i dont like you like that. just because im a lesbian doesnt mean i like every woman. in fact i actually dont like most women. you really have to be a very specific type of person in order for me to be interested in you. also i have a crush on a different coworker! so whaddahaellll is your problem. like i said tho im sure that im just making assumptions here. its always made me nervous tho disclosing my sexuality around women bc im afraid they will think i wanna hit on them but like. noooooo! no no no!! i cant even hit on people that i do like-like! not that they would know that but its like augh. stop think lesbians are fucking predatory. it frustrates me too bc im pretty sure this girl is also lesbian (shes 17 tho so shes a baby) and ive never seen her flirt with a guy before so i dont think shes bi/pan. and so if im correct and thats why shes being weird its just extra AUGHGH cuz she shouldn't view other lesbians as predatory!!!!!!! but like... i really am not a threat to you. i promise. i dont think dating coworkers is a good idea and honestly i think thats part of why i like the girl i have a crush on so much bc shes older and is less likely to cause stupid workplace drama like this girl absolutely would. she bragged about how she started workplace drama at her old job by dating her current gf. and i like girl even if i was attracted to you i'd shut that shit down right quick bc i dont have time for that. all im doing is Get Money. i'll Fuck Bitches somewhere else (unless............ you know) but yeah! idk. it wasnt bothering me at first bc i was like. ok whatever you wanna be weird about me assisting you so i just will back off. but then i started thinking "what if shes doing this bc im so open about being gay and she thinks i like her that way" and yeah. i have not known peace since. anxiety begone! man anyway now thats out of my system.... i guess ill mention that i think my crush just hurt her leg again (which like girl please stay home and rest!!!!) so shes gonna be out for a while and i u_u sad face. gonna miss her lots while shes away but hopefully she will come back feeling better. we dont know each other past acquaintances but yeah when i realised shes probably trapped at home with an injury im like Girl!!!!! I wanna cooooook for youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu........... girl sit on the couch turn on the animal documentaries and chill while i make you food.......... why is this my relationship goals..... ehmmmm. sorry future me when you have to read this absolute cringe fest i just wrote. sigh. good bye i need to go away
18 september 2021
weh good evening journal. its 6pm and im tired as heck!! did some comic stuff last night and some more today but im really sleepy... im so distracted by thoughts of my crush and honestly its really kind of embarassing. idk what to do bc thinking about her in specific ways feels really wrong and its strange bc?? i've experienced what i thought was sexual attraction wrt to a crush before (it was comphet) but its never, ever, been like it is now. i know that is mostly bc up until like like 2-3 years ago i was a young person who wasnt interested in sex. like i always thought i'd end up being one of those people who have a low libido and wouldn't be able to satisfy a very sexually active partner. but idk i??? i think i would like it simply bc intimacy and i also know that im a lesbian now so i learned it was mostly just a fear of having sex with men. but yeah. its weird. its reeaaallly really weird! i dont know how to feel about this. me and her aren't even friends (yet?) and im This attracted to her despite being demisexual as well and it just feels like im crossing a line?? is this normal? i mean i think to atleast some extent it is given how ppl who aren't on the asexual spectrum are constantly being very open about how horny they are. so its probably fine if i occassionally have my head in the gutter. obviously i will not act on these feelings unless our circumstances do a complete 180 and it'd be acceptable for me to do so, so im like really not woried about my behaviour at all. but it does feel dirty and wrong to even consider what i'd want to do together with her (which is more like what i'd want her to do me) if the scenario was right. im also pretty against daydreaming specifically about a person since i dont wanna make up an idealised version of them in my head. its also like. sighhhh bc i know exactly why this is different than my other crushes and its bc of those got dang bandanas. im pretty sure those are what lit my fuse bc its like aaaaaaugh. i dont know precisely what they mean to her or Why she wears them at work but they revealed jussst enough for me to be like OH and now that i know those things my brains comfortable enough to say Yep. I'd bang. and aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!! man idk how to deal with this. shes extremely sweet and super super attrctive in every which way possible. i feel like i need some sense knocked into me bc this is all so new to me and idk how to cope with it DX
14 september 2021
hi yes hello im back like i said i would be! so she wasnt there today which was like :( weh. i hope she is alright. not that i could do anything to help but i hope she's okay/going to be okay. i probably wont see her at all this week, but maybe i'll see her next week. i worry about her which like yeah ok she isnt my friend and i will respect her boundaries but i feel like i see her less and less and i just wanna get to know her D: we're still just acquaintances so i dont wanna pry and i didnt ask anyone why she wasnt there today. as curious as i am.. at the end of the day its not my buisness. maybe she will tell me next week when i comment on how i didnt see her (which is like oooh okay perfect excuse to say i missed her LOL) but anyway yeah. im sad tho bc i brought pocky again so its like Girl You Missed Out On Some Treats!!!!!! its fine tho i'll just bring more next week. i kinda wanna get those little panda crackers with the chocolate next time, switch it up a little! im going back to the market tomorrow so i could grab something then.... hm. idk what else to put here... my vaporeon build a bear came today, and so did my new pants. yeah i needed a large plush like i need a hole in the head but its soooooo cute... arguably the best vaporeon plush out there. she has a little scarf too :) also i got some new enamel pins yesterday. excited to buy a few more this friday but yeah thats about it rn. i suppose i could vent a little about my dads annoying behaviour. i just... genuinely dont care. he got yelled at by my mom bc for like the past couple years hes been basing my brothers and i's worths on how much money we make and how many chores we do around the house (particularly when its cleaning up after him) and like. if you're going to act like im not a person because i dont vaccuum every other day then im just not going to care about your opinion of me nor about what you do. and so for the past two days hes been all woe is me and aggressively seeking sympathy from me but why would i defend you from your wife when she was defending me?? idk why he thinks i was gonna tell her to back off when she was essentially speaking for me. idk... its just annoying and i hope he gets over it bc he's extrememely frustrated and like to an extent i get it but imo he brought this upon himself and if he wants to wallow in it... whatever. kinda feel like a bitch for being so apathetic towards him but idk man
14 september 2021
its actually just barely the 14th so when i update again later today just know its not me double posting bc im insane about a girl...... im still somewhat normal..... ok. so for todays update. im like, really eager to see her at work tomorrow... i bought some pocky when i was at the market today to share with everyone but im like :) if i didnt have a crush on someone i wouldn't be bringing gifts. so be thankful that im a lesbian. anywho. i cant sleep so i was reading some articles about flirting with women (as a lesbian/bi/pan person) and theyve given me some confidence bc i already do a lot of those things accidentally like the eye contact, trying to be around her as much as i can, being awkward, ect. im still not sure if i compliment her enough bc i legitimately cannot remember the things i say to her, so im hoping that i do! but from now on im gonna try to find atleast one thing to compliment every day bc i wanna make an effort to show her that i like her. im obviously going to be way too chicken to ask her to see a picture of her cat so rn im just gonna try to do what i can. im gonna get there early tomorrow in hopes that i can talk to her, maybe she'll be on her break when i get there?? idk. if i can catch her before i clock in i will swallow my non existent pride and follow up with her about velvet worms bc i want her to know that i care the silly looking animals. i think thats a very important character trait i have. also im gonna try to out myself as gay around her too bc yes i have the lesbian flag on many of my belongings but! i want her to know that yes. i am a girl lover. also if we can somehow segway that into me telling her that i am single???? .w. one can hope.... i will not directly hit on her at work bc im not feral off the shits but oh my god i have a need to become her friend and find a way for us to talk outside of work. last week i did see that she had an enamel pin on her shirt and i was like !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! but she was literally leaving when i noticed it so rip. but im super into those things and i'd love to show her the raccoon one i found on etsy. it would be a good way to show off that as much as i behave like a forgettable ditz when we are working together, i can actually retain information and shes important to me so of course i want her to know that i am indeed listening to her and remembering what she says :'3
11 september 2021
ough. im gay..... i wanna see her again so bad man. im so curious about her and i just wanna talk to her about anything!! on the 6th i was unsure if my feelings for her were still there but. i think i was just moody that day bc i really really like her! i wanna be her friend i wanna show her pics of velvet worms and cuttlefish and we talk about cute silly animals... i wanna go with her to the bar i wanna take her to a concert. i wanna talk to her about our cats. i wanna do all these things. seeing her only once or twice a week is killing me! its so hard to talk to her when im clocked in to work bc im so distracted/cant afford a distraction. but oh my god :( its pitiful how badly i wanna talk to her. i dont even care what about. i just wanna get to know her and compliment her and try to be forward about my feelings. im going into this knowing this chances of dating are extremely low but i feel so unhappy knowing that i havent tried like, at all to express my interest in her. if i get rejected i would be sad yes but i would feel better about knowing i tried! im so afraid of squandering and letting chances slip past me AGAIN.... i just wanna be her friend at the very least bc shes so cool
10 september 2021
congratulations to myself, i have a new fear. she will either quit or transfer before i get to know her u_u i have literally recieved zero indications shes considering either of those things but yeah. anxiety babeyeyyyeyeyyyy.... two of my coworkers that i like just recently left so atleast i know where this is coming from but you know, i'm just like aauauaghhdughd. in other news i did get to wear a gay outfit today, jeans, white shirt, and my red flannel. it was like 67 degrees outside for once! i like to look like a very stereotypical lesbian. i wanna wear the gay on my sleeve. tho tbh straight girls dress the same exact way these days so it doesnt even matter, i just like being cozy and feeling good. lifes too short to wear meh outfits, next summer i'm gonna find a way to look cuter cuz my shorts are very comfy but its so hard to feel like i look nice in them when its matched with a plain coloured t shirt, looking presentable makes me feel good! mayhaps i can find some button ups with nice fabric that doesnt show wet marks when i get sweaty jdhgkjhdgjdhfg i sweat so much i hate it :broken-heart: its sad! anyway... idk what else to add here hmm... kinda wanna go in on monday afternoon just to get a drink and say hi if shes scheduled for that day but i never remember to check the schedule DX idk if its weird to do that when my intentions are to specifically see her (to which i will probably only get the chance to wave at her and that will be all i can do) but no one needs to know that. maybe she'd find it flattering, i know i would but i cant speak for everyone! i partially just want her to see me in my non-work clothes bc i rock those and its like, she obviously cares about making herself look nice so perhaps she would appreciate knowing that i do indeed know how to dress nicely its just hard to do when its consistently been like 80-90 degrees and i'd probably die from heatstroke if i dressed any differently when its that hot ;___; erm. yeah. falls almost here so purrhaps i will be able to wear atleast an overshirt to prevent myself from being so plain when its too hot for pants. it makes me sad bc i work on tuesday (gonna be like 80) and she usually works tuesdays so its like GUH... MAN.... i just wanna look cute infront of you that is all but the weather says fuck you u___u ok bye now idk what else to write today
8 september 2021
guess what i didnt do! :D no really, guess! :D lol i did not follow up on velvet worms nor did i ask her about her cat sigh.... i didnt get the chance tho so it's not like i squandered, we were just busy and i got on the floor right as she was getting off so it was like nooooo DDDDX come back.... its fine. i know by the time i get to know her shes gonna be like, married. cuz at this rate its gonna be 3 years from now. i wanna ask why she only works two days a week but i dont want ppl to know i look at their schedules lol uhm. anyway.... i finished drawing chapter 6 last night which was cool bc i havent started uploading chapter 6 publicly and its like damn bro i really do be ahead of schedule :pleading: proud of myself! im excited and anxious to start chapter 7 cuz im gonna kill cloverfall at the end of it and weh... i wonder how ppl will react. i am so afraid for who ppl will guess the murderer is tho bc its like what if they guess right and they're on to me like 2 years before the reveal i'd scream... webcomics take forever. anyway! im excited for my velvet worm pins to arrive bc im gonna stick one on my apron like im a proud parent putting their kid's art on the fridge. also noodle is in my room being cute. just had to say that. in other news i spent a little too much money this week which is like sadge but ok i'll just need to not spend much next payday. im working a lot this week so it should be fine, and tips will be good cuz some very nice person tipped me $44 and i was like WEH. but yeah life is fine. im actually pms-ing really bad but you know right now. things are fine :D OH also im getting a pay raise which is like the longest yeah boyyyyy ever
6 september 2021
sigh! i dont know anymore. i still really like her, and shes very attractive so its like! why do i suddenly not care that much?? was i just in a bad mood today?? guh. i wanna say this is demisexuality but this is a me thing that i do where i get interested in someone and then after 1-3 weeks i go back to being neutral about them. but i was really hoping that wouldnt happen... i like her more than i've liked other people in the past, and like, reeeeaaaalllllyyy like-like her. she's adorable and loves animals and is mellow like me and likes the same kinda music and weh. shes gay im gay! yeah!! thats how it works right? blugh. i'm not back to zero obviously, but it feels like my brain is trying to pre-emptively give up before i get my heart broken which is like ok fine i guess you have your reasons for doing that BUT! WE DIDNT TRY YET!!!!!!!! i dont think asking her what animals she likes or if she knows what a velvet worm is counts for anything aside from small talk. what i need to do is draw her cat. if i draw her cat she will KNOW tht i like her, not necessarily romantically but i just need her to know that yes i do want to be her friend and i do want to impress her and i do want to commune with her more often! im just stupid and cant work and talk to her at the same time bc shes so cute my head will explode and i'll butcher every drink i make and every order i take bc shes distracting me with her cuteness. ehm...... i hope she knows that i left her that green apron card bc i regret not writing my name on it every day i want her to know i like her and appreciate her and that its not her fault im weirdly antisocial sometimes! sigh. anyway... i dont know for sure if its my brain trying to give up and avoid pain or if its just due to the fact i havent seen her and therefore my connection with her is stifling/not growing at all. it's probably a combination of both tbh. demi + lack of trust = the problem i'm currently experiencing. ok. tomorrow im going to ask her if she checked out the velvet worms. and im gonna try to ask what colour her cat is! im gonna wait to have the age convo i feel like i want to know her more first and get more comfortable so that when i inevitably act weird again then she wont think i dislike her for being old or anything. lol. guh... im gonna shut up now byeeeeeeeeee
4 september 2021
ooooh boyy ive been kinda out of it. im trying to get back into working on my comic more. i feel like ive been focusing a lot on work for the past like two ish months and its like auauahghufg... wanna get back into my hobby. haven't really felt the urge to journal much, lacking the longer "need to discuss this" sort of thoughts lately. i still have my crush yeah but i've been a little more normal about it. ostly cuz i worked with her only one day this week with no promise i'll see her at all next week so... sad emoji lol. i saw her on tuesday and i talked to her for like 2 minutes only RIP but she didnt know what a velvet worm was. i told her to look them up bc theyre very friend shaped, but i dont think shes a big fan of bugs which is like ok fair but i really like bugs jshgkjdhfkjghdf love those little inverts!!! i hope i get called in while shes working cuz i dont wanna like, not see her. i wanna talk to her and get to know her which is impossible if we cant speak to each other D': very sad! oh also like an hour after she went home one of the other shifts came in and she complimented my outfit and we talked about how everyone else dresses and then she said [the girl i like] is very cute and has a really good sense of fashion too and i was like Good! im glad someone else agrees!! she's fine as hell lol im such a dork for her. i didnt say anything outside just passive agreement, didnt wanna be weird. it's not like i dont compliment women but i try to do so in moderation im always worried ppl will be weird about it even tho im not really ever doing it to be flirty. my flirt skill is level -1248593045 so i don't even attempt it. im just being nice and besides i think people should recieve recognition for their efforts to look nice. i like it when ppl compliment my fit! i also have no idea when people are flirting with me though. maybe it's generally not flirty thing at all. maybe this is just one of those things i have irrational anxiety about. anywho, in other news, i got my hair cut today and got some bangs and im like :3 i look cute. i also scheduled an appointment for another cut and an ombre dye in mid october soooo thats exciting! i also just paid the first half of the invoice for the velvet worm pins, so those will be a reality by the end of the month i think :eyes: that's about all thats going on for now though. i guess i did have more to say than i thought i did. kinda was figuring this was gonna be a short post but this is great actually, see yaaa
27 august 2021
ladies... is it cringe to post multiple entries in one day in ur journal? i say not cringe. its fine dw about it... erm... im having a moment here. i really like this girl i wanna know what she thinks of me so bad. i should try to watch how she talks to my other coworkers and compare it to how she talks to me. im so chicken and afraid but if i get enough signals then i'll make try to the first move cuz i feel like she might not because of the age gap. she compliments me a lot and im like WEH. i hope i've complimented her a lot too but i have no idea. im not listening to the words that come out of my mouth when i talk to her im pretty much only paying attention to her lmao i feel so ridiculous. i think i should ask to see her tattoos and compliment those hmmmm some basic art appreciation. but i wanna ask her age sometime, play it cool, then keep being gay and awkward so she knows i dont care. i'm not forgetting about potential danger but maybe we can just... try a non-serious thing?? idk. i think if i want her to ask me out i need to make it clear i like her soooo i'll resort to doing that if i can't get a good guess on her opinion of me. i read something about how to get girls to like you (i know i know lol it was just a reddit thread i saw on r/lesbianactually so i read it) but it said to talk about nerdy stuff and i was like awwww WAIT the animal thing is nerdy...... aheeeemm....... we need to have this age convo tho. cuz idk if she knows how old i am, i mean i LOOK like im 18-19 and act like that too so she probably has a better guess about my age than i did about hers lmao. she might feel more comfortable knowing im not fresh outta highschool (plus i.. dont think i would like the implications of that anyway!!!!!) but yeah i need her to know i still like her even tho the age gap is likely going to be a problem. but sometimes you can fix problems! idk. i just??? is this stupid?? i just made a big deal about not being stupid but??? if the feeling is mutual im not going to let it go just because of an age gap. we dont know until we try right?? i want her to know that i really really like her weeeehhhh.... i havent kissed a girl in almost a decade but i wanna kiss her and be her friend. and snuggle on the couch while we watch animal documentaries and i cry in her arms because the animals on the tv are soooooo fucking cute. i was crying about velvet worms earlier. im really worked up over the fact she likes animals. im still so attracted to her... theres only two "flaws" which is the smoking (i can deal with) and the age gap (not either of our faults). i wanna be hers so bad ;;~~;;
27 august 2021
me this morning: "waah woe is me, i am sad, why do i even come to work when its not worth it to impress cute girls anymore. shes too old for me and out my league this sucks but oh well i will give up"
me now: "girl help she loves animals and watches animal documentaries girl help i think shes sooooooo fucking cute GIRL HELP SHE HAS TO KNOW ABOUT VELVET WORMS IF SHES SEEN THEM ALL"
fucking!!! mayday!!!!! she could say anything at this point and i'd probably be like hehe awwww adorable :heart-eyes-emoji: i was talking to her today and it almost cost me like 4 drinks bc i was so distracted and i see her and my brain just doesnt work anymore. this morning i seriously was like, yeah its gone im not interested anymore! and then she had the nerve to say she loves animals smh. i dont know when to quit. i even started it too bc i was like weh i wanna be her friend platonically so lets have an easy convo but nope. nooooooope that was a mistake. i dont like being cold tho so i wont ever ignore her on purpose and i do enjoy talking to her a lot but i also just!!!! i dont know!!! if this is a good idea!!!!!!!! im really really bad at doing two things at once so i just wish i could talk to her when im not making drinks bc it was like i regressed an entire month of training when i started talking to her. i dont wanna look stupid either bc im not stupid!!! i just have adhd and i cant juggle between two attention demanding tasks. i dont want her to think im incompetent. dont care if she thinks im a dork or that im silly bc yeah, i am both of those things. but im not stupid im just flustered bc youre a cutie pie and its going to be the death of me :heart: anyway maybe i'll see her next tuesday and that'll give me some time to think this over. i wish i worked with her more often bc its not that im uncomfortable but?? im not comfortable yet either??? in the middle. theres only a couple ppl that i've worked with enough to be like Yeah i can talk to them casually. it takes me a long time to warm up to people. so when i only see her like... once or twice a week? yeah idk how long it'll be for me to stop losing every brain cell and behaving like a nervous wreck with a lack of reading comprehension. i hope one day it would be appropriate to get her phone number (yes i can take it from the contacts list at work, but i dont think thats very gentlemanly) i wanna text cat pics back and forth and talk about weird animals together. and maybe other stuff too but like gdfkgdfgdgf i just wanna be able to have a full, not interrupted conversation with her for onceeee
26 august 2021
tis only mere hours after my last entry but like. i couldnt stop thinking about this situation. im still helpless for her, i got the feels so bad! i dont know if she would like me like that given our age gap but that gives me time to decide. i think now that i know her age i wont panic upon the news if i ever ask her about it and can play it cool. i mean its not like, bad, i dont think shes like old or anything its just the gap is a bit aaaaaaaaagjgkdgjfksgrfjfg i dont wanna be rude by asking her directly about her age anyway. shes so cute..... i want to get to know her more, maybe we can still form a connection and give it a shot. i suppose this does solve my problem about not knowing whether or not i should try to work on being more forward. just gonna take it slow and steady and not fuss over how long it takes me to get to know her. plus i have no idea if she would even be interested in someone as young as me, but that could potentially be a problem too? i really doubt shes predatory but you never know with ppl who like em young lol. my parents have a 12 year age gap so i do know first hand these kinds of things can work out, buuuuuuuuuut theres an additional 8 years w me and her. i should really try to get to know her way better first before making any moves. for all i know she could have. children. eeeeeek then shed be a milf LOL wait i dont think she does. i feel like thats something that would have been mentioned by now given how many kids we see at work. i have no idea. curse my wretched memory for not retaining every little tid bit of information about my coworkers. i feel silly thinking about that now bc before i got the feels i didnt really pay that much attention to what she was doing or saying to me, tho thats also bc i was new and im like a lost kitten around ppl im not familiar with. its not personal bc i dont remember anything anyone else has been telling me either. anyway! i must uncover her secrets. and also share mine. i still want to impress her either by drawing her cat or giving her a sticker with her cats likeness if i have one. shes so adorable and has tattoos (naturally im too afraid to be caught gawking so idk what they are of JFHSKJHFJDF) so i think she would be a fellow art enjoyer.... god... i really am just a weak little grub. finding out this new info is a huge blow but my desire to show affection is unstopable. i want to be her friend so badly weh. god please stop hating the gays i need achievable companionship not random big huge crushes on middle aged women
25 august 2021
ok so i was going to write some sappy thing here about how much i like her and blah blah blah but i got curious and i found out shes (probably) actually 41 which is like the biggest fucking way ive gotten owned ever! like IDK MAN. it just feels bad bc thats not one decade, thats TWO decades between us and that kinda fuckin sucks bro. i'm gonna take it like a man and just befriend her platonically but it sucks bc im soooo into her. i had a dream abt going on a date with her last night! but its weird. if its true then shes 6 years younger than my mom. i dont see any way pursuing a romantic relationship could go in my favor, and thats assuming she would date someone my age without predatory intentions. man this sucks so bad lmao. im gay as hell for her but yeah turns out life wants me to keep getting my ass handed to me gdjkgdgfhgf i wish i was like 4-5 years older, maybe then it would be more feasible. felt my insides flip tho when i saw it. spoke way too soon yesterday about how i lowkey wanted a turn off! gotta say its kinda funny of me to get so thirsty over a 40 yr old like i know i have a problem where i dont like people my age or younger that much but holy shiiiiiiit did i get fucking rekt just now. i guess i should be wishing myself good luck on finding another person crush on since shes pretty much been shoved off the table ?????? sorry girl u do be kinda banging tho
24 august 2021
i have been turned into a pathetic little worm! a gay little puddle! in the back of my mind i've been lowkey hoping she would do something that i'd find less attractive so that i would stop being so absolutely smitten with her. but lol i have it so bad, its really bad. so today i come in and she opens the door for me and im like WEH. and i give everyone some pocky and she likes pocky so im like WIN! and then she asks if anyone has a lighter so she can smoke and like lol, i dont like smokers for a plethora of reasons. like i really think smoking cigs is super unsexy but alas. i was confused for like 5 minutes and welp, its still there! as strong as ever! i like her more and more everyday, all this time i was thinking that maybe, just maybe she would have some flaw that i really didnt like so that i would cool it on the feels but idk!!!!!! shes just so nice and cool and i [pleading emoji] im not sure what would make me not be so extremely attracted to her. like i think all the time about how we might have an entire decade or more age gap between us but for whatever reason that doesnt really deter me??? and i dont even care that she smokes??????? god i have it so bad for her. words can't even describe. i work with her again on friday and i still need to talk to her about her cat so maybe i'll try to go in a little early then too and chat her up. i did miss some opportunities to talk to her today but idk, i dont think i'll be too bothered about missing out on some small talk anymore. i spent the day smiling to myself even when she had gone home cuz shes just so cute and i think she likes me (probably just platonically), shes not going anywhere. i want to be more mature about this crush bc we dont know each other very well still and i'd like to just be natural about it instead of stressing out. but yeah she's got me wrapped around her finger and she doesnt even know it weh
23 august 2021
did some rearranging here and pushed stuff to other pages. i think it'd be cleaner to sort these by years (i put 2018/2019 together tho cuz they both sucked ass) so if i remember then for 2022 i'll push these over to another page. anywho, wanted to write a short cringey post today but i am having an absolute Blast (sarcasm) with my gay thoughts and wants lol. its been so long since i had a crush, that one girl i worked like 3 shifts with back at spirit was the last time i had a crush. that was 2019 lmao... this one is so much worse tho bc its not just a small attraction or curiousity its like holy shit this person is fucking Hawt and im just a little grub! shes so out of my league its so baddd wehhhh... i wanna be her little grub... her little manthing... that fucking cute love song playlist i made the other day predictably made everything worse and now im behaving like a hopeless romantic. like now i wanna cook for her!!!! please HELP ME. anyway.......... im bringing pocky tomorrow, and im gonna try to get there early so i can potentially talk to her before i even clock in. since thats kinda what screwed me over last time. i know talking to people while on the job is not slacking off but im still new and im afraid of looking like im disinterested or lazy. but i also really dont like getting interrupted and theres usually 8 different things i can and should be doing instead of talking to someone anyway. but missing out on talking to her last week made me feel like this ;;;~~~;;; so i probably should just give in. as long as that one supervisor isnt present then its alllll good but thats why im going in early so that even if she is there then MAYBE... MAYBE I CAN DO THIS. idk we shall seeeee.... tomorroww
20 august 2021
hello im journalling again a week from my last post :eyes: thats so much better than months inbetween posts! writing here is sometimes super cringey but like its also super therapeutic and im currently not talking to a therapist so i should try to keep doing stuff that helps, yeah? today was kind of a bad day at work... i had like 40 mins where i couldve talked to the girl i like, but i didnt... i was too scared. i could tell she wanted to talk to someone too, and i really wish i did. part of it was cuz the shift supervisor is very strict and i didnt wanna seem distracted around her, cuz she really doesnt like it when ppl stand around or be slow. then i got to work with her for a little at the window and i was gonna talk to her but then we got switched around. and then i was sent for training and got back on the floor like 30 mins before she was off. i really wanted to talk to her but i didnt. it really upset me and i kinda spiraled a little bit after work. just felt really bad! its okay though, i watched some tv and cleaned a bit. i also made a cute playlist today, and im doing really great at not daydreaming about my crush specifically. i dont want to make up some idealized version of her in my head so im just. being a homo for *gestures vaguely at girls*. its been nice to be open about being a lesbian at work, i wear a lesbian flag pin most days. not everyone knows the lesbian flag, sure, but i do and it makes me happy. i dont think id ever be hated for being gay but its something i never Wanted to openly disclose like that irl before this job and im happy to be out of my shell. but anyway im really happy with this playlist i made, i think it'll help me get thru this. i dont want to say im "lovesick" or anything lol but im definitely yearning and i want to be someones girlfriend. my coworker is just the only card on the table right now so lol. also today she was wearing an dark green/olive bandana and i. hm. unsure about that one. also the navy one can potentially mean something i dont know if i'd like so hm. idk. shes still super hot tho im just be like yeah idk if i can meet ur needs. im not ever like... um horny for ppl im not in a relationship with (like the only person i ever wanted to have sex with before was my ex bf, and we were over a month into the relationship at that point) but im definitely verrrry attracted to her and im not over how weird this feeling is. she has a white bandana too and that can mean 1034538593063 different things but if it means what i think it means (likes virgins lmao) then its like ok 1/3 really works for me waha! i wonder if she wears them at work as a gag or if shes serious about it. i know sometimes its done like, to be a funny thing amongst other gay people. but this stuff started a long time ago, so theres many different interpretations and the only thing i can really determine 100% for sure about her from these things is that shes not straight (and also a top but her personality backs that up). i know im focusing on the bandanas a lot rn but its like between the confirmation she aint no hettie and the fact shes Really Sweet and seems like a genuinely cool and kind person im like... gonna evaporate. i do like a kindhearted cat loving wlw who wouldn't shy away from feeding my desire to be a submissive little freak :)! maybe one day i can ask her what those bandanas mean to her lmao but for now, i'll just talk to her about random shit. i want to ask her about her cat, i think she loves her cat like how i love noodle. i looked at noodle today after work when i was all moody and i wanted to cry her head is so small and shes so precious... tiny little baby cat. i wish she was a snuggle appreciator bc i just wanna hold her and pet her all day long... ANYWAY. i also want to know what colour her cat is so i can give her another green apron card with a corresponding cat sticker. maybe she'll be counting tips on tuesday and then i can talk to her before clocking in perhaps. also she cant run off and go do something else, not that i think she would, but i dislike starting conversations and not finishing them. probably why i usually dont talk to my coworkers when we're busy. also i gave it some thought over the last week and i dont know actually if her being older is a deal breaker. like logically its not a smart decision but its not inherently wrong thing to have an age gap. time will tell i guess. if shes like 10+ years older than me tho i may do a dating app instead to try to cut the yearning. she seems interested in talking to me tho, compared to the other new people. and i wonder if she recognizes my lesbian flag button. she likes my wurmple pin and im like :D check out my cup with a vulgar sticker (im obsessed with this sticker btw it says "everyone shut the fuck up, wurmple sippy soup" and i see it and everytime i feel insane (in a good way)) but i still feel bad i think she mightve felt ignored bc i was working near her earlier, and like i said i think she wanted to talk to someone, but my brain was not having it and i hope she doesnt think i dislike her or that i was trying to ignore her. i made the mistake of not writing my name on any of the green apron cards i gave out before so idk if she knows i basically did give her a "i like you" in writing. i put shrimp stickers on them though!!! and i wear a damn shrimp mask!!! i have no idea if anyone has put two and two together though lol. maybe next time i'll put my name on the fucking things. at this point im just ranbling but ough... i think i deserve a nice long journal post after the crappy half breakdown i had earlier over my lack of an emotional leash on my anxiety. it hit me really hard. i most certainly dont want to dump my emo problems on a partner, but i just think it'd be nice to have someone be able and willing to support me again. part of why i freaked out so bad is because i am lacking a support system for the romantic stuff. i sure as hell cant talk to my mom about how im attracted to some woman i know, and my friends could really do without that shit either. having a partner would mean i dont have to bottle these desires to love, care, and show affection or have to vent to someone about how i cant do those things. i want a kind and compassionate partner who'd let me get these feelings out. and i want to double as their respectful and kind partner. i want to care for someone so badly. but i have no one to tell that to. so im just sitting in the brain jail cell, rattling the bars screaming quietly. i know one day i'll meet the right person, or atleast meet people who even if it doesnt work out in the end, we still had fun and enjoyed our time together. im not even 22 yet and im Done with relationships sucking ballz. so i guess for now... i'll just keep going with life.
13 august 2021
oops i did it again! forgot to write in my journal. its so out of sight, out of mind for me. also its basically just become my cringe zone. gonna write some cringe now :D i started a job almost 2 months ago at starbucks, its fun i like it! but i come here because i have a crush on one of my coworkers and i dont have anyone to talk to about it. mostly becuase its. sexual attraction... which is something i dont really experience all that much. im like 98% certain because shes disclosed some of her own sexual preferences by wearing a bandana in her back pocket and thats code for lgbt ppl's kinks and stuff. and im like ok thats nice i guess, weird to wear tht at work does that mean shes avaliable? and then boom, she turns out to be REALLY COOL and so. i started out with the platonic want for friendship but every little thing i learn about her makes me like her more... and shes obviously not hetero and i've got the lesbian flag repped on me frequently so... ough. ough this is so cringe but yeah i think shes hot and i keep doing stupid stuff infront of her now. and i know its not just a friend crush, like if we were dating i would like it and i totally would ask her out if this continues and i get to know her more. the only thing is she might be a little too old for me, idk how old she is but im just a little guy and i probably shouldn't get into lrger age gap relationships until i myself am older. im hoping that shes like 28 at the oldest, i can never tell how old people are by looking at them. also i think ppl dont really look any different from their 20s to their 30s. but anyway yeah, its weird to have my demisexuality broken this early bc in the past its taken me Months to have any thoughts or wants like im having now. obviously not in a gross, uncontrollable way. i can behave and keep it to myself 1000% but ough. OUGH.. the bandanas set me off. theres two of them and im like e_e are you single lol id let you do unspeakable things to me. ahem... anyway... im finally ready to date again. i think between having a new, steady job and enough time to relax and find myself ive been able to feel ready to seek companionship again. im still like, picky and searching for "the one". idk if this coworker would be the one, we dont know ech other very well at all and it'll probably turn out that shes like in her 30s and not even looking for a committed relationship. which would be okay. i'd still like to be her friend eventually cuz shes really sweet and nice, plus im in need of more lgbt friends. can only handle so much the cishettie nonsense you know. but that aside, im having a pretty good time rn. im actually in the middle of the worst art burnout i've had in recent memory and that bugging the crap out of me, but i've been doing okay mentally. i say this in almost every entry but i do wanna try to journal more so that i have these memories saved somewhere. we all know i will just forget tho. maybe i'll remember to update this later. i doubt anything would come from this crush but im going to pursue a friendship this time and not miss out on a potentially amazing friend bc i wussed out and got scared. im excited to see where life takes me from here, and i have some small plans for the future to slowly start nudging into adulthood more. its been rough to really branch out because of the pandemic and i've been kept inside for so long, feels like i lost an entire year to it but life goes on and its okay.