Warning: This is my journal, I will write whatever the heckaroonie I want in here. I follow no rules. Read newest to oldest, will push stuff to another page if needed.

page 1: 13th August. 2021 - Present

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18 october 2021

HELLO AGAIN GAY PEOPLE.......... lemme get the life update out of the way real quick. things have been okay!! im pretty close to finishing chapter 7 which is cool, also i got my hair dyed pink on the 16th! its really cute, i got it cut into a bob and its really nice i love it, the pink is balayaged in so it looks very nice. im pretty happy with where things are going/have been aside from like, persistent brain fog. im not overworked i think but its like, teetering a bit close cuz i dont have very much energy after work these days. also not a lot of drawing energy to begin with but im trying to get thru it. probably will rework some patreon rewards so that im not having to do anything but make pages (which is what i'd be doing regardless.) i signed up to work on the holidays cuz i could use the extra cash, i kinda have poor spending habits ;__; trying my best to save up. working the holidays will be interesting, i do enjoy my job so it shouldnt be too bad. also i think i might've totally misinterepreted what my coworker was doing when shes like, loud about having a gf and like it is a little weird but she might just be proud to be out as gay. she said she moved in with her gf and shes only 17 so i wonder if her home situation was homophobic or something, like i feel like shes probably just doing it to express her identity in ways she might not have been able to before. anyway uhhhh? i think thats all. now on to the reason i remembered to post here today........... sorry future me this is so cringe but after like 5-6 weeks i saw a certain someone today and ohhhhh. oh. oh i have it so bad. normally when i have a crush on someone it goes away, especially if i dont interact with them at all?? idk i havent had very many crushes but its still here its as strong as ever. i think about her and i smile so big like, its honestly so embarassing! but its not my fault shes just so cute!!! i didnt get to say hi, i just waved excitedly at her bc i was at the drive thru and couldnt leave. but like ;__; fellas.... fellas.... is it gay......... to really really like a woman.............. when you are a lesbian......................... yeah. this is like highschool levels of crushing. man i hope she thinks my hair is cute. i didnt look at the new schedule but i hope she's on it, but like hopefully only if shes recovered ofc. i'd hate for her to be forced back too early before her injury is fully healed but i do miss her a lot and im excited to see her again. i was very surprised to see her again today, like i did ask someone and they said she said she was coming back in november so i knew she didnt leave BUT i have anxiety. i was a little worried i would never see her again :( but its okay!!!! shes doing well i hope!!! i didnt get to ask so im just hoping shes doing well!!! no one said what she was doing at work today and i didnt wanna ask cuz i try to not be nosy, and she was only there for like 10-15 minutes. im like, lowkey hoping shes there tomorrow to count tips but that seems unlikely. i wonder if she was there to get back on the schedule earlier but i also dont know and i dont wanna get my hopes up that i'll see her again at all this month. but yeah. anyways. i want her to come back bc the midday lesbian trifecta will be complete again (and also need to show her pics of velvet worms). OH ALSO. SPEAKING OF THE WORMIES. my pins should be arriving soon??? the scheduled arrival date is tomorrow but they shipped it on the 13th from china so i kinda dont believe it would be be here in a week. but who the heck knows. also i discovered a new bug which is a springtail called podura and they look like fricken fruit gummies i love them so much theyre so head empty and dumb looking i wanna protect them.... ok goodbye

5 october 2021

hello again gay people (still just me) its been like 2 weeks whoops. my brains getting foggy. im working 5-6 days a week pretty consistently now and like i dont hate it but im tired lol gotta change my avalibility again so i dont have to wake up before 7 am... anyway im just weh. i had some stuff to write here but i got distracted and now i dont remember. so bye again!

22 september 2021

hello gay people (me, im gay people) tomorrow is my birth of days. crazy how nature do dat. i figured i'd write here since iwas feeling very chatty on my twitter account and i dont think i need to make like 7 tweets in a row. today was a strange day. honestly it was fine, i dont wanna sound like im lowkey starting to dilike my job or any of my coworkers but yeah. one of my coworkers confuses me. im probably reading too much into it bc thats what i do bc i have anxiety. but shes like. acting weird around me by being randomly cold or even downright passive aggressive and i?? dont know why? she also talks about her gf so much and not in like a meaningful way either, just sorta exclaiing that she has one. or literally flirting with customers when i have to work on the driver thru with her. like girl i dont like you like that. just because im a lesbian doesnt mean i like every woman. in fact i actually dont like most women. you really have to be a very specific type of person in order for me to be interested in you. also i have a crush on a different coworker! so whaddahaellll is your problem. like i said tho im sure that im just making assumptions here. its always made me nervous tho disclosing my sexuality around women bc im afraid they will think i wanna hit on them but like. noooooo! no no no!! i cant even hit on people that i do like-like! not that they would know that but its like augh. stop think lesbians are fucking predatory. it frustrates me too bc im pretty sure this girl is also lesbian (shes 17 tho so shes a baby) and ive never seen her flirt with a guy before so i dont think shes bi/pan. and so if im correct and thats why shes being weird its just extra AUGHGH cuz she shouldn't view other lesbians as predatory!!!!!!! but like... i really am not a threat to you. i promise. i dont think dating coworkers is a good idea and honestly i think thats part of why i like the girl i have a crush on so much bc shes older and is less likely to cause stupid workplace drama like this girl absolutely would. she bragged about how she started workplace drama at her old job by dating her current gf. and i like girl even if i was attracted to you i'd shut that shit down right quick bc i dont have time for that. all im doing is Get Money. i'll Fuck Bitches somewhere else (unless............ you know) but yeah! idk. it wasnt bothering me at first bc i was like. ok whatever you wanna be weird about me assisting you so i just will back off. but then i started thinking "what if shes doing this bc im so open about being gay and she thinks i like her that way" and yeah. i have not known peace since. anxiety begone! man anyway now thats out of my system.... i guess ill mention that i think my crush just hurt her leg again (which like girl please stay home and rest!!!!) so shes gonna be out for a while and i u_u sad face. gonna miss her lots while shes away but hopefully she will come back feeling better. we dont know each other past acquaintances but yeah when i realised shes probably trapped at home with an injury im like Girl!!!!! I wanna cooooook for youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu........... girl sit on the couch turn on the animal documentaries and chill while i make you food.......... why is this my relationship goals..... ehmmmm. sorry future me when you have to read this absolute cringe fest i just wrote. sigh. good bye i need to go away

18 september 2021

weh good evening journal. its 6pm and im tired as heck!! did some comic stuff last night and some more today but im really sleepy... im so distracted by thoughts of my crush and honestly its really kind of embarassing. idk what to do bc thinking about her in specific ways feels really wrong and its strange bc?? i've experienced what i thought was sexual attraction wrt to a crush before (it was comphet) but its never, ever, been like it is now. i know that is mostly bc up until like like 2-3 years ago i was a young person who wasnt interested in sex. like i always thought i'd end up being one of those people who have a low libido and wouldn't be able to satisfy a very sexually active partner. but idk i??? i think i would like it simply bc intimacy and i also know that im a lesbian now so i learned it was mostly just a fear of having sex with men. but yeah. its weird. its reeaaallly really weird! i dont know how to feel about this. me and her aren't even friends (yet?) and im This attracted to her despite being demisexual as well and it just feels like im crossing a line?? is this normal? i mean i think to atleast some extent it is given how ppl who aren't on the asexual spectrum are constantly being very open about how horny they are. so its probably fine if i occassionally have my head in the gutter. obviously i will not act on these feelings unless our circumstances do a complete 180 and it'd be acceptable for me to do so, so im like really not woried about my behaviour at all. but it does feel dirty and wrong to even consider what i'd want to do together with her (which is more like what i'd want her to do me) if the scenario was right. im also pretty against daydreaming specifically about a person since i dont wanna make up an idealised version of them in my head. its also like. sighhhh bc i know exactly why this is different than my other crushes and its bc of those got dang bandanas. im pretty sure those are what lit my fuse bc its like aaaaaaugh. i dont know precisely what they mean to her or Why she wears them at work but they revealed jussst enough for me to be like OH and now that i know those things my brains comfortable enough to say Yep. I'd bang. and aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!! man idk how to deal with this. shes extremely sweet and super super attrctive in every which way possible. i feel like i need some sense knocked into me bc this is all so new to me and idk how to cope with it DX

14 september 2021

hi yes hello im back like i said i would be! so she wasnt there today which was like :( weh. i hope she is alright. not that i could do anything to help but i hope she's okay/going to be okay. i probably wont see her at all this week, but maybe i'll see her next week. i worry about her which like yeah ok she isnt my friend and i will respect her boundaries but i feel like i see her less and less and i just wanna get to know her D: we're still just acquaintances so i dont wanna pry and i didnt ask anyone why she wasnt there today. as curious as i am.. at the end of the day its not my buisness. maybe she will tell me next week when i comment on how i didnt see her (which is like oooh okay perfect excuse to say i missed her LOL) but anyway yeah. im sad tho bc i brought pocky again so its like Girl You Missed Out On Some Treats!!!!!! its fine tho i'll just bring more next week. i kinda wanna get those little panda crackers with the chocolate next time, switch it up a little! im going back to the market tomorrow so i could grab something then.... hm. idk what else to put here... my vaporeon build a bear came today, and so did my new pants. yeah i needed a large plush like i need a hole in the head but its soooooo cute... arguably the best vaporeon plush out there. she has a little scarf too :) also i got some new enamel pins yesterday. excited to buy a few more this friday but yeah thats about it rn. i suppose i could vent a little about my dads annoying behaviour. i just... genuinely dont care. he got yelled at by my mom bc for like the past couple years hes been basing my brothers and i's worths on how much money we make and how many chores we do around the house (particularly when its cleaning up after him) and like. if you're going to act like im not a person because i dont vaccuum every other day then im just not going to care about your opinion of me nor about what you do. and so for the past two days hes been all woe is me and aggressively seeking sympathy from me but why would i defend you from your wife when she was defending me?? idk why he thinks i was gonna tell her to back off when she was essentially speaking for me. idk... its just annoying and i hope he gets over it bc he's extrememely frustrated and like to an extent i get it but imo he brought this upon himself and if he wants to wallow in it... whatever. kinda feel like a bitch for being so apathetic towards him but idk man

14 september 2021

its actually just barely the 14th so when i update again later today just know its not me double posting bc im insane about a girl...... im still somewhat normal..... ok. so for todays update. im like, really eager to see her at work tomorrow... i bought some pocky when i was at the market today to share with everyone but im like :) if i didnt have a crush on someone i wouldn't be bringing gifts. so be thankful that im a lesbian. anywho. i cant sleep so i was reading some articles about flirting with women (as a lesbian/bi/pan person) and theyve given me some confidence bc i already do a lot of those things accidentally like the eye contact, trying to be around her as much as i can, being awkward, ect. im still not sure if i compliment her enough bc i legitimately cannot remember the things i say to her, so im hoping that i do! but from now on im gonna try to find atleast one thing to compliment every day bc i wanna make an effort to show her that i like her. im obviously going to be way too chicken to ask her to see a picture of her cat so rn im just gonna try to do what i can. im gonna get there early tomorrow in hopes that i can talk to her, maybe she'll be on her break when i get there?? idk. if i can catch her before i clock in i will swallow my non existent pride and follow up with her about velvet worms bc i want her to know that i care the silly looking animals. i think thats a very important character trait i have. also im gonna try to out myself as gay around her too bc yes i have the lesbian flag on many of my belongings but! i want her to know that yes. i am a girl lover. also if we can somehow segway that into me telling her that i am single???? .w. one can hope.... i will not directly hit on her at work bc im not feral off the shits but oh my god i have a need to become her friend and find a way for us to talk outside of work. last week i did see that she had an enamel pin on her shirt and i was like !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! but she was literally leaving when i noticed it so rip. but im super into those things and i'd love to show her the raccoon one i found on etsy. it would be a good way to show off that as much as i behave like a forgettable ditz when we are working together, i can actually retain information and shes important to me so of course i want her to know that i am indeed listening to her and remembering what she says :'3

11 september 2021

ough. im gay..... i wanna see her again so bad man. im so curious about her and i just wanna talk to her about anything!! on the 6th i was unsure if my feelings for her were still there but. i think i was just moody that day bc i really really like her! i wanna be her friend i wanna show her pics of velvet worms and cuttlefish and we talk about cute silly animals... i wanna go with her to the bar i wanna take her to a concert. i wanna talk to her about our cats. i wanna do all these things. seeing her only once or twice a week is killing me! its so hard to talk to her when im clocked in to work bc im so distracted/cant afford a distraction. but oh my god :( its pitiful how badly i wanna talk to her. i dont even care what about. i just wanna get to know her and compliment her and try to be forward about my feelings. im going into this knowing this chances of dating are extremely low but i feel so unhappy knowing that i havent tried like, at all to express my interest in her. if i get rejected i would be sad yes but i would feel better about knowing i tried! im so afraid of squandering and letting chances slip past me AGAIN.... i just wanna be her friend at the very least bc shes so cool

10 september 2021

congratulations to myself, i have a new fear. she will either quit or transfer before i get to know her u_u i have literally recieved zero indications shes considering either of those things but yeah. anxiety babeyeyyyeyeyyyy.... two of my coworkers that i like just recently left so atleast i know where this is coming from but you know, i'm just like aauauaghhdughd. in other news i did get to wear a gay outfit today, jeans, white shirt, and my red flannel. it was like 67 degrees outside for once! i like to look like a very stereotypical lesbian. i wanna wear the gay on my sleeve. tho tbh straight girls dress the same exact way these days so it doesnt even matter, i just like being cozy and feeling good. lifes too short to wear meh outfits, next summer i'm gonna find a way to look cuter cuz my shorts are very comfy but its so hard to feel like i look nice in them when its matched with a plain coloured t shirt, looking presentable makes me feel good! mayhaps i can find some button ups with nice fabric that doesnt show wet marks when i get sweaty jdhgkjhdgjdhfg i sweat so much i hate it :broken-heart: its sad! anyway... idk what else to add here hmm... kinda wanna go in on monday afternoon just to get a drink and say hi if shes scheduled for that day but i never remember to check the schedule DX idk if its weird to do that when my intentions are to specifically see her (to which i will probably only get the chance to wave at her and that will be all i can do) but no one needs to know that. maybe she'd find it flattering, i know i would but i cant speak for everyone! i partially just want her to see me in my non-work clothes bc i rock those and its like, she obviously cares about making herself look nice so perhaps she would appreciate knowing that i do indeed know how to dress nicely its just hard to do when its consistently been like 80-90 degrees and i'd probably die from heatstroke if i dressed any differently when its that hot ;___; erm. yeah. falls almost here so purrhaps i will be able to wear atleast an overshirt to prevent myself from being so plain when its too hot for pants. it makes me sad bc i work on tuesday (gonna be like 80) and she usually works tuesdays so its like GUH... MAN.... i just wanna look cute infront of you that is all but the weather says fuck you u___u ok bye now idk what else to write today

8 september 2021

guess what i didnt do! :D no really, guess! :D lol i did not follow up on velvet worms nor did i ask her about her cat sigh.... i didnt get the chance tho so it's not like i squandered, we were just busy and i got on the floor right as she was getting off so it was like nooooo DDDDX come back.... its fine. i know by the time i get to know her shes gonna be like, married. cuz at this rate its gonna be 3 years from now. i wanna ask why she only works two days a week but i dont want ppl to know i look at their schedules lol uhm. anyway.... i finished drawing chapter 6 last night which was cool bc i havent started uploading chapter 6 publicly and its like damn bro i really do be ahead of schedule :pleading: proud of myself! im excited and anxious to start chapter 7 cuz im gonna kill cloverfall at the end of it and weh... i wonder how ppl will react. i am so afraid for who ppl will guess the murderer is tho bc its like what if they guess right and they're on to me like 2 years before the reveal i'd scream... webcomics take forever. anyway! im excited for my velvet worm pins to arrive bc im gonna stick one on my apron like im a proud parent putting their kid's art on the fridge. also noodle is in my room being cute. just had to say that. in other news i spent a little too much money this week which is like sadge but ok i'll just need to not spend much next payday. im working a lot this week so it should be fine, and tips will be good cuz some very nice person tipped me $44 and i was like WEH. but yeah life is fine. im actually pms-ing really bad but you know right now. things are fine :D OH also im getting a pay raise which is like the longest yeah boyyyyy ever

6 september 2021

sigh! i dont know anymore. i still really like her, and shes very attractive so its like! why do i suddenly not care that much?? was i just in a bad mood today?? guh. i wanna say this is demisexuality but this is a me thing that i do where i get interested in someone and then after 1-3 weeks i go back to being neutral about them. but i was really hoping that wouldnt happen... i like her more than i've liked other people in the past, and like, reeeeaaaalllllyyy like-like her. she's adorable and loves animals and is mellow like me and likes the same kinda music and weh. shes gay im gay! yeah!! thats how it works right? blugh. i'm not back to zero obviously, but it feels like my brain is trying to pre-emptively give up before i get my heart broken which is like ok fine i guess you have your reasons for doing that BUT! WE DIDNT TRY YET!!!!!!!! i dont think asking her what animals she likes or if she knows what a velvet worm is counts for anything aside from small talk. what i need to do is draw her cat. if i draw her cat she will KNOW tht i like her, not necessarily romantically but i just need her to know that yes i do want to be her friend and i do want to impress her and i do want to commune with her more often! im just stupid and cant work and talk to her at the same time bc shes so cute my head will explode and i'll butcher every drink i make and every order i take bc shes distracting me with her cuteness. ehm...... i hope she knows that i left her that green apron card bc i regret not writing my name on it every day i want her to know i like her and appreciate her and that its not her fault im weirdly antisocial sometimes! sigh. anyway... i dont know for sure if its my brain trying to give up and avoid pain or if its just due to the fact i havent seen her and therefore my connection with her is stifling/not growing at all. it's probably a combination of both tbh. demi + lack of trust = the problem i'm currently experiencing. ok. tomorrow im going to ask her if she checked out the velvet worms. and im gonna try to ask what colour her cat is! im gonna wait to have the age convo i feel like i want to know her more first and get more comfortable so that when i inevitably act weird again then she wont think i dislike her for being old or anything. lol. guh... im gonna shut up now byeeeeeeeeee

4 september 2021

ooooh boyy ive been kinda out of it. im trying to get back into working on my comic more. i feel like ive been focusing a lot on work for the past like two ish months and its like auauahghufg... wanna get back into my hobby. haven't really felt the urge to journal much, lacking the longer "need to discuss this" sort of thoughts lately. i still have my crush yeah but i've been a little more normal about it. ostly cuz i worked with her only one day this week with no promise i'll see her at all next week so... sad emoji lol. i saw her on tuesday and i talked to her for like 2 minutes only RIP but she didnt know what a velvet worm was. i told her to look them up bc theyre very friend shaped, but i dont think shes a big fan of bugs which is like ok fair but i really like bugs jshgkjdhfkjghdf love those little inverts!!! i hope i get called in while shes working cuz i dont wanna like, not see her. i wanna talk to her and get to know her which is impossible if we cant speak to each other D': very sad! oh also like an hour after she went home one of the other shifts came in and she complimented my outfit and we talked about how everyone else dresses and then she said [the girl i like] is very cute and has a really good sense of fashion too and i was like Good! im glad someone else agrees!! she's fine as hell lol im such a dork for her. i didnt say anything outside just passive agreement, didnt wanna be weird. it's not like i dont compliment women but i try to do so in moderation im always worried ppl will be weird about it even tho im not really ever doing it to be flirty. my flirt skill is level -1248593045 so i don't even attempt it. im just being nice and besides i think people should recieve recognition for their efforts to look nice. i like it when ppl compliment my fit! i also have no idea when people are flirting with me though. maybe it's generally not flirty thing at all. maybe this is just one of those things i have irrational anxiety about. anywho, in other news, i got my hair cut today and got some bangs and im like :3 i look cute. i also scheduled an appointment for another cut and an ombre dye in mid october soooo thats exciting! i also just paid the first half of the invoice for the velvet worm pins, so those will be a reality by the end of the month i think :eyes: that's about all thats going on for now though. i guess i did have more to say than i thought i did. kinda was figuring this was gonna be a short post but this is great actually, see yaaa

27 august 2021

ladies... is it cringe to post multiple entries in one day in ur journal? i say not cringe. its fine dw about it... erm... im having a moment here. i really like this girl i wanna know what she thinks of me so bad. i should try to watch how she talks to my other coworkers and compare it to how she talks to me. im so chicken and afraid but if i get enough signals then i'll make try to the first move cuz i feel like she might not because of the age gap. she compliments me a lot and im like WEH. i hope i've complimented her a lot too but i have no idea. im not listening to the words that come out of my mouth when i talk to her im pretty much only paying attention to her lmao i feel so ridiculous. i think i should ask to see her tattoos and compliment those hmmmm some basic art appreciation. but i wanna ask her age sometime, play it cool, then keep being gay and awkward so she knows i dont care. i'm not forgetting about potential danger but maybe we can just... try a non-serious thing?? idk. i think if i want her to ask me out i need to make it clear i like her soooo i'll resort to doing that if i can't get a good guess on her opinion of me. i read something about how to get girls to like you (i know i know lol it was just a reddit thread i saw on r/lesbianactually so i read it) but it said to talk about nerdy stuff and i was like awwww WAIT the animal thing is nerdy...... aheeeemm....... we need to have this age convo tho. cuz idk if she knows how old i am, i mean i LOOK like im 18-19 and act like that too so she probably has a better guess about my age than i did about hers lmao. she might feel more comfortable knowing im not fresh outta highschool (plus i.. dont think i would like the implications of that anyway!!!!!) but yeah i need her to know i still like her even tho the age gap is likely going to be a problem. but sometimes you can fix problems! idk. i just??? is this stupid?? i just made a big deal about not being stupid but??? if the feeling is mutual im not going to let it go just because of an age gap. we dont know until we try right?? i want her to know that i really really like her weeeehhhh.... i havent kissed a girl in almost a decade but i wanna kiss her and be her friend. and snuggle on the couch while we watch animal documentaries and i cry in her arms because the animals on the tv are soooooo fucking cute. i was crying about velvet worms earlier. im really worked up over the fact she likes animals. im still so attracted to her... theres only two "flaws" which is the smoking (i can deal with) and the age gap (not either of our faults). i wanna be hers so bad ;;~~;;

27 august 2021

me this morning: "waah woe is me, i am sad, why do i even come to work when its not worth it to impress cute girls anymore. shes too old for me and out my league this sucks but oh well i will give up"
me now: "girl help she loves animals and watches animal documentaries girl help i think shes sooooooo fucking cute GIRL HELP SHE HAS TO KNOW ABOUT VELVET WORMS IF SHES SEEN THEM ALL"
fucking!!! mayday!!!!! she could say anything at this point and i'd probably be like hehe awwww adorable :heart-eyes-emoji: i was talking to her today and it almost cost me like 4 drinks bc i was so distracted and i see her and my brain just doesnt work anymore. this morning i seriously was like, yeah its gone im not interested anymore! and then she had the nerve to say she loves animals smh. i dont know when to quit. i even started it too bc i was like weh i wanna be her friend platonically so lets have an easy convo but nope. nooooooope that was a mistake. i dont like being cold tho so i wont ever ignore her on purpose and i do enjoy talking to her a lot but i also just!!!! i dont know!!! if this is a good idea!!!!!!!! im really really bad at doing two things at once so i just wish i could talk to her when im not making drinks bc it was like i regressed an entire month of training when i started talking to her. i dont wanna look stupid either bc im not stupid!!! i just have adhd and i cant juggle between two attention demanding tasks. i dont want her to think im incompetent. dont care if she thinks im a dork or that im silly bc yeah, i am both of those things. but im not stupid im just flustered bc youre a cutie pie and its going to be the death of me :heart: anyway maybe i'll see her next tuesday and that'll give me some time to think this over. i wish i worked with her more often bc its not that im uncomfortable but?? im not comfortable yet either??? in the middle. theres only a couple ppl that i've worked with enough to be like Yeah i can talk to them casually. it takes me a long time to warm up to people. so when i only see her like... once or twice a week? yeah idk how long it'll be for me to stop losing every brain cell and behaving like a nervous wreck with a lack of reading comprehension. i hope one day it would be appropriate to get her phone number (yes i can take it from the contacts list at work, but i dont think thats very gentlemanly) i wanna text cat pics back and forth and talk about weird animals together. and maybe other stuff too but like gdfkgdfgdgf i just wanna be able to have a full, not interrupted conversation with her for onceeee

26 august 2021

tis only mere hours after my last entry but like. i couldnt stop thinking about this situation. im still helpless for her, i got the feels so bad! i dont know if she would like me like that given our age gap but that gives me time to decide. i think now that i know her age i wont panic upon the news if i ever ask her about it and can play it cool. i mean its not like, bad, i dont think shes like old or anything its just the gap is a bit aaaaaaaaagjgkdgjfksgrfjfg i dont wanna be rude by asking her directly about her age anyway. shes so cute..... i want to get to know her more, maybe we can still form a connection and give it a shot. i suppose this does solve my problem about not knowing whether or not i should try to work on being more forward. just gonna take it slow and steady and not fuss over how long it takes me to get to know her. plus i have no idea if she would even be interested in someone as young as me, but that could potentially be a problem too? i really doubt shes predatory but you never know with ppl who like em young lol. my parents have a 12 year age gap so i do know first hand these kinds of things can work out, buuuuuuuuuut theres an additional 8 years w me and her. i should really try to get to know her way better first before making any moves. for all i know she could have. children. eeeeeek then shed be a milf LOL wait i dont think she does. i feel like thats something that would have been mentioned by now given how many kids we see at work. i have no idea. curse my wretched memory for not retaining every little tid bit of information about my coworkers. i feel silly thinking about that now bc before i got the feels i didnt really pay that much attention to what she was doing or saying to me, tho thats also bc i was new and im like a lost kitten around ppl im not familiar with. its not personal bc i dont remember anything anyone else has been telling me either. anyway! i must uncover her secrets. and also share mine. i still want to impress her either by drawing her cat or giving her a sticker with her cats likeness if i have one. shes so adorable and has tattoos (naturally im too afraid to be caught gawking so idk what they are of JFHSKJHFJDF) so i think she would be a fellow art enjoyer.... god... i really am just a weak little grub. finding out this new info is a huge blow but my desire to show affection is unstopable. i want to be her friend so badly weh. god please stop hating the gays i need achievable companionship not random big huge crushes on middle aged women

25 august 2021

ok so i was going to write some sappy thing here about how much i like her and blah blah blah but i got curious and i found out shes (probably) actually 41 which is like the biggest fucking way ive gotten owned ever! like IDK MAN. it just feels bad bc thats not one decade, thats TWO decades between us and that kinda fuckin sucks bro. i'm gonna take it like a man and just befriend her platonically but it sucks bc im soooo into her. i had a dream abt going on a date with her last night! but its weird. if its true then shes 6 years younger than my mom. i dont see any way pursuing a romantic relationship could go in my favor, and thats assuming she would date someone my age without predatory intentions. man this sucks so bad lmao. im gay as hell for her but yeah turns out life wants me to keep getting my ass handed to me gdjkgdgfhgf i wish i was like 4-5 years older, maybe then it would be more feasible. felt my insides flip tho when i saw it. spoke way too soon yesterday about how i lowkey wanted a turn off! gotta say its kinda funny of me to get so thirsty over a 40 yr old like i know i have a problem where i dont like people my age or younger that much but holy shiiiiiiit did i get fucking rekt just now. i guess i should be wishing myself good luck on finding another person crush on since shes pretty much been shoved off the table ?????? sorry girl u do be kinda banging tho

24 august 2021

i have been turned into a pathetic little worm! a gay little puddle! in the back of my mind i've been lowkey hoping she would do something that i'd find less attractive so that i would stop being so absolutely smitten with her. but lol i have it so bad, its really bad. so today i come in and she opens the door for me and im like WEH. and i give everyone some pocky and she likes pocky so im like WIN! and then she asks if anyone has a lighter so she can smoke and like lol, i dont like smokers for a plethora of reasons. like i really think smoking cigs is super unsexy but alas. i was confused for like 5 minutes and welp, its still there! as strong as ever! i like her more and more everyday, all this time i was thinking that maybe, just maybe she would have some flaw that i really didnt like so that i would cool it on the feels but idk!!!!!! shes just so nice and cool and i [pleading emoji] im not sure what would make me not be so extremely attracted to her. like i think all the time about how we might have an entire decade or more age gap between us but for whatever reason that doesnt really deter me??? and i dont even care that she smokes??????? god i have it so bad for her. words can't even describe. i work with her again on friday and i still need to talk to her about her cat so maybe i'll try to go in a little early then too and chat her up. i did miss some opportunities to talk to her today but idk, i dont think i'll be too bothered about missing out on some small talk anymore. i spent the day smiling to myself even when she had gone home cuz shes just so cute and i think she likes me (probably just platonically), shes not going anywhere. i want to be more mature about this crush bc we dont know each other very well still and i'd like to just be natural about it instead of stressing out. but yeah she's got me wrapped around her finger and she doesnt even know it weh

23 august 2021

did some rearranging here and pushed stuff to other pages. i think it'd be cleaner to sort these by years (i put 2018/2019 together tho cuz they both sucked ass) so if i remember then for 2022 i'll push these over to another page. anywho, wanted to write a short cringey post today but i am having an absolute Blast (sarcasm) with my gay thoughts and wants lol. its been so long since i had a crush, that one girl i worked like 3 shifts with back at spirit was the last time i had a crush. that was 2019 lmao... this one is so much worse tho bc its not just a small attraction or curiousity its like holy shit this person is fucking Hawt and im just a little grub! shes so out of my league its so baddd wehhhh... i wanna be her little grub... her little manthing... that fucking cute love song playlist i made the other day predictably made everything worse and now im behaving like a hopeless romantic. like now i wanna cook for her!!!! please HELP ME. anyway.......... im bringing pocky tomorrow, and im gonna try to get there early so i can potentially talk to her before i even clock in. since thats kinda what screwed me over last time. i know talking to people while on the job is not slacking off but im still new and im afraid of looking like im disinterested or lazy. but i also really dont like getting interrupted and theres usually 8 different things i can and should be doing instead of talking to someone anyway. but missing out on talking to her last week made me feel like this ;;;~~~;;; so i probably should just give in. as long as that one supervisor isnt present then its alllll good but thats why im going in early so that even if she is there then MAYBE... MAYBE I CAN DO THIS. idk we shall seeeee.... tomorroww

20 august 2021

hello im journalling again a week from my last post :eyes: thats so much better than months inbetween posts! writing here is sometimes super cringey but like its also super therapeutic and im currently not talking to a therapist so i should try to keep doing stuff that helps, yeah? today was kind of a bad day at work... i had like 40 mins where i couldve talked to the girl i like, but i didnt... i was too scared. i could tell she wanted to talk to someone too, and i really wish i did. part of it was cuz the shift supervisor is very strict and i didnt wanna seem distracted around her, cuz she really doesnt like it when ppl stand around or be slow. then i got to work with her for a little at the window and i was gonna talk to her but then we got switched around. and then i was sent for training and got back on the floor like 30 mins before she was off. i really wanted to talk to her but i didnt. it really upset me and i kinda spiraled a little bit after work. just felt really bad! its okay though, i watched some tv and cleaned a bit. i also made a cute playlist today, and im doing really great at not daydreaming about my crush specifically. i dont want to make up some idealized version of her in my head so im just. being a homo for *gestures vaguely at girls*. its been nice to be open about being a lesbian at work, i wear a lesbian flag pin most days. not everyone knows the lesbian flag, sure, but i do and it makes me happy. i dont think id ever be hated for being gay but its something i never Wanted to openly disclose like that irl before this job and im happy to be out of my shell. but anyway im really happy with this playlist i made, i think it'll help me get thru this. i dont want to say im "lovesick" or anything lol but im definitely yearning and i want to be someones girlfriend. my coworker is just the only card on the table right now so lol. also today she was wearing an dark green/olive bandana and i. hm. unsure about that one. also the navy one can potentially mean something i dont know if i'd like so hm. idk. shes still super hot tho im just be like yeah idk if i can meet ur needs. im not ever like... um horny for ppl im not in a relationship with (like the only person i ever wanted to have sex with before was my ex bf, and we were over a month into the relationship at that point) but im definitely verrrry attracted to her and im not over how weird this feeling is. she has a white bandana too and that can mean 1034538593063 different things but if it means what i think it means (likes virgins lmao) then its like ok 1/3 really works for me waha! i wonder if she wears them at work as a gag or if shes serious about it. i know sometimes its done like, to be a funny thing amongst other gay people. but this stuff started a long time ago, so theres many different interpretations and the only thing i can really determine 100% for sure about her from these things is that shes not straight (and also a top but her personality backs that up). i know im focusing on the bandanas a lot rn but its like between the confirmation she aint no hettie and the fact shes Really Sweet and seems like a genuinely cool and kind person im like... gonna evaporate. i do like a kindhearted cat loving wlw who wouldn't shy away from feeding my desire to be a submissive little freak :)! maybe one day i can ask her what those bandanas mean to her lmao but for now, i'll just talk to her about random shit. i want to ask her about her cat, i think she loves her cat like how i love noodle. i looked at noodle today after work when i was all moody and i wanted to cry her head is so small and shes so precious... tiny little baby cat. i wish she was a snuggle appreciator bc i just wanna hold her and pet her all day long... ANYWAY. i also want to know what colour her cat is so i can give her another green apron card with a corresponding cat sticker. maybe she'll be counting tips on tuesday and then i can talk to her before clocking in perhaps. also she cant run off and go do something else, not that i think she would, but i dislike starting conversations and not finishing them. probably why i usually dont talk to my coworkers when we're busy. also i gave it some thought over the last week and i dont know actually if her being older is a deal breaker. like logically its not a smart decision but its not inherently wrong thing to have an age gap. time will tell i guess. if shes like 10+ years older than me tho i may do a dating app instead to try to cut the yearning. she seems interested in talking to me tho, compared to the other new people. and i wonder if she recognizes my lesbian flag button. she likes my wurmple pin and im like :D check out my cup with a vulgar sticker (im obsessed with this sticker btw it says "everyone shut the fuck up, wurmple sippy soup" and i see it and everytime i feel insane (in a good way)) but i still feel bad i think she mightve felt ignored bc i was working near her earlier, and like i said i think she wanted to talk to someone, but my brain was not having it and i hope she doesnt think i dislike her or that i was trying to ignore her. i made the mistake of not writing my name on any of the green apron cards i gave out before so idk if she knows i basically did give her a "i like you" in writing. i put shrimp stickers on them though!!! and i wear a damn shrimp mask!!! i have no idea if anyone has put two and two together though lol. maybe next time i'll put my name on the fucking things. at this point im just ranbling but ough... i think i deserve a nice long journal post after the crappy half breakdown i had earlier over my lack of an emotional leash on my anxiety. it hit me really hard. i most certainly dont want to dump my emo problems on a partner, but i just think it'd be nice to have someone be able and willing to support me again. part of why i freaked out so bad is because i am lacking a support system for the romantic stuff. i sure as hell cant talk to my mom about how im attracted to some woman i know, and my friends could really do without that shit either. having a partner would mean i dont have to bottle these desires to love, care, and show affection or have to vent to someone about how i cant do those things. i want a kind and compassionate partner who'd let me get these feelings out. and i want to double as their respectful and kind partner. i want to care for someone so badly. but i have no one to tell that to. so im just sitting in the brain jail cell, rattling the bars screaming quietly. i know one day i'll meet the right person, or atleast meet people who even if it doesnt work out in the end, we still had fun and enjoyed our time together. im not even 22 yet and im Done with relationships sucking ballz. so i guess for now... i'll just keep going with life.

13 august 2021

oops i did it again! forgot to write in my journal. its so out of sight, out of mind for me. also its basically just become my cringe zone. gonna write some cringe now :D i started a job almost 2 months ago at starbucks, its fun i like it! but i come here because i have a crush on one of my coworkers and i dont have anyone to talk to about it. mostly becuase its. sexual attraction... which is something i dont really experience all that much. im like 98% certain because shes disclosed some of her own sexual preferences by wearing a bandana in her back pocket and thats code for lgbt ppl's kinks and stuff. and im like ok thats nice i guess, weird to wear tht at work does that mean shes avaliable? and then boom, she turns out to be REALLY COOL and so. i started out with the platonic want for friendship but every little thing i learn about her makes me like her more... and shes obviously not hetero and i've got the lesbian flag repped on me frequently so... ough. ough this is so cringe but yeah i think shes hot and i keep doing stupid stuff infront of her now. and i know its not just a friend crush, like if we were dating i would like it and i totally would ask her out if this continues and i get to know her more. the only thing is she might be a little too old for me, idk how old she is but im just a little guy and i probably shouldn't get into lrger age gap relationships until i myself am older. im hoping that shes like 28 at the oldest, i can never tell how old people are by looking at them. also i think ppl dont really look any different from their 20s to their 30s. but anyway yeah, its weird to have my demisexuality broken this early bc in the past its taken me Months to have any thoughts or wants like im having now. obviously not in a gross, uncontrollable way. i can behave and keep it to myself 1000% but ough. OUGH.. the bandanas set me off. theres two of them and im like e_e are you single lol id let you do unspeakable things to me. ahem... anyway... im finally ready to date again. i think between having a new, steady job and enough time to relax and find myself ive been able to feel ready to seek companionship again. im still like, picky and searching for "the one". idk if this coworker would be the one, we dont know ech other very well at all and it'll probably turn out that shes like in her 30s and not even looking for a committed relationship. which would be okay. i'd still like to be her friend eventually cuz shes really sweet and nice, plus im in need of more lgbt friends. can only handle so much the cishettie nonsense you know. but that aside, im having a pretty good time rn. im actually in the middle of the worst art burnout i've had in recent memory and that bugging the crap out of me, but i've been doing okay mentally. i say this in almost every entry but i do wanna try to journal more so that i have these memories saved somewhere. we all know i will just forget tho. maybe i'll remember to update this later. i doubt anything would come from this crush but im going to pursue a friendship this time and not miss out on a potentially amazing friend bc i wussed out and got scared. im excited to see where life takes me from here, and i have some small plans for the future to slowly start nudging into adulthood more. its been rough to really branch out because of the pandemic and i've been kept inside for so long, feels like i lost an entire year to it but life goes on and its okay.