page 3: 23rd Sept. 2017 - 26th Dec. 2017
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26th decemeber 2017
christmas was good, got lots of candy! also a new tablet. very nice day yesterday. though i dont really want to talk about it today, i just wanted to say aomething positive first. i had a convo that ended kinda sourly earlier, so i was thinking about it and why i was being so aggressive but it just seems i forgot i was bipolar or something. and then i got upset cause that convo didnt end the way i wanted to cause i was so caught up in a swing. im usually a nice person, honestly i think im one of the nicest people i know :x but still... i wish i could apologise but the people i was talking to are neurotypical. its very hard for me to explain to NTs, they don't understand things like "oh shit i was in an episode sorry" they just view it as an excuse for bad behaviour. i mean, it kind of is... but rarely do i go off like that and its giving me anxiety. i just need to stop thinking about it...
21st decemeber 2017
bad way to leave my journal sitting for 20 days... i dont feel like talking but remembered i havent written for a while. trying new meds though, maybe they'll help. im getting a side effect though, drowsiness. hope it goes away i hate seeing doctors. bye.
1st decemeber 2017
today has just progressively downhill idk what to do anymore, i don't want to do anything, i dont want to type in my journal but im forcing myself to. sometimes talking helps but idk i really really dont think its helping. im gonna have take out for dinner and that'll probably be the highlight of my day. warm food that i didnt have to cook. im just so fucking sick and tired of hurting, but i can't stop. everything hurts me. im jsut a fucking snowflake who wants to be special. my doctor doesnt take my depression seriously, neither do my parents. nobody understands that this is WORSE than just average depression. they think that just because im not actively suicidal and contemplating ways to kill myself then that means im fine. i'm really not though! i think im having an identity crisis on top of the severely relapsing depression. i can't sleep at night because i just have nightmares. i'm feeling attacked by my peers even. i hurt so bad and people just keep asking and asking and asking and it's just one day! one fucking day im gonna snap! but instead of snapping at them i'll do it at myself and just cause more pain. all these troubling thoughts that i have to fight day by day just make me feel incresing worse as time goes on. i wish i could go back to the happy person i was back in september. i wish that even if being happy was unachieveable that i could remain productive. but intead i have to suck at everything. i cant draw right now, i can't eat right, i can't do work, i can't clean up my room, i can't get the fuck out of bed. i spend all my energy keeping other people happy when they don't really make me happy in return. maybe im just a picky asshole who can't respect other people's attempts to befriend me, but honestly i think it's that god damn martyr complex nobody believes i have. i can't do this anymore. i know i wont kill myself, i dont have the means. but if a sturdy rope hung infront of me i would take it. it'd hurt everyone but just let me be selfish for once god damnit.
30th november 2017
so its been 9 days since i last wrote here, at the moment im severely depressed and disinterested in doing flight rising or pokefarm. i guess thats why im breaking the silence now because i have nothing to do. i might go play slime rancher, but im not really in the mood for it either. i just want to sleep... i wish i could sleep for a couple days and wake up and everything will be fine again. too bad thats just soooooo unrealistic and things wont be fine ever again, probably. i just want to give up.
21st november 2017
feeling okay at the moment, though it's probably cause kitty snuggles and good music. i think i accidentally upset one of friends today and im a little troubled. i mean, in my defence i was trying to get her to stop talking about something that makes me uncomfortable but its not like i was being straightforward about that at all. so it's likely she doesnt even know that the topic was bothering me. this kinda stuff happens sometimes with my friends and its just like,, ggfsdhsdh why do i have to be so vague. like i dont try to be vague on purpose it's just how i talk and yet it's bad and i need to stop doing that because i can't expect people to read my mind. it doesnt help that this traces back to my complex and my inability to defend myself from getting uncomfortable because i dont want to tell the other person to stop. i wish i wasn't so broken... good bye.
19th november 2017
same trend going on, got really nothing much positive to say. im happy to have the 2 people i talk to almost daily, but its probably a matter of time til they get bored of me, right?? ehhhh... im gonna try to get the rest of my pokefarm crap sold so i can sort out what i need to do. i just.... that site is such a great coping method and i love playing it but the community is so fucking toxic that its unhealthy for me to be there. i cant keep a public friendlist anywhere because of my paranoia that staff will side eye and/or target everyone on it. i hate the staff there so much, i might hate them more than i hate myself actually. there's nothing more i want than for niet and his gang of oppressors to get a taste of their own medicine. i hope that pokefarm gets sued for something. i hope it dies to drama just like pf1. anyway my point is that pokefarm makes me feel like a bad person. the staff say bad things about me and refuse to help me. they've taken the side of the person in the wrong so many times to probably just rub it in my face that they dislike me. honestly i think theyre trying to remove me from the site so i guess its good that i'll never be able to quit. i want to be a thorn in their side until they fucking die of infection. thats all.
18th november 2017
i really dont want to type here today, but it feels weird to leave such a hateful post as my last entry... ._. but i mean, i still feel that way. im still angry that i dont recieve equal effort in most of my relationships. but what can i do aside from drop them, right? it's a slow proccess but just not putting any effort in has killed a lot of friendships in the past cause the other person doesn't care. it's painful because i never get closure from that, and im left with self depreciating thoughts and my hate for myself just grows. i dont know why people dont care about me? i always think im a nice person but nice doesnt cut it because i have to be annoying or something, or fucking something! i dont fucking know! im so much nicer than like 80% of the people i know and yet, AND YET! people don't care enough to be my friend. they get my help and then they abandon me. maybe this is why people don't like me, cause they can sense my jealousy and greed... but is it really greedy to want some attention? is it wrong to be jealous of people who have friends they can rely on? but... then whats wrong with me? i dont understand...? ...im so sorry... i wish i wasn't like this either... im glad i can atleast make people somewhat happy...
15th november 2017
approx. 7 mins after my last post, but here i am again. i honestly dont know why but im just suddenly really angry. im mad at my cat even, cause she always has to lay in the middle of the fucking bed forcing me to not move my aching legs. but if i move even a centimeter she gets mad or some bullshit and runs away and usually screams in the hallway. its 4am so i guess im just going to continue my masochistic ritual for her even though my body is in immense pain. but its not just my cat, its just fucking everyone has been so god damn nitpicky today. my mom forced me to watch and look at things that i didnt find funny, and got offended when i didnt laugh. like dude idk! i cant fake emotions like that when im feeling like shit. then i opened up and accepted some help earlier but it backfired and i cant do anything about it. and i drew something to make someone happy and they didnt even ackowledge it. but my martyrdom quota hasnt been satisfied, i still have to suffer under other people because i can't make myself move out of the way of the people who walk on me, cause you know, it might hurt their feelings! i should sacrifice my sanity for those who put in little effort to help me in return. maybe this is why i want to isolate myself. maybe this is why i hide behind a closed door whenever i can! i hate myself! i hate my victim complex! why the fuck do i even have to exist in a place that can only accept me in a half assed manner? why can't i be stronger, why cant i get help? why do i hurt myself everytime i try to socialise? i want to die, i want someone to kill me. i... i dont feel like i belong anymore. maybe its the heat of the moment but this feeling is not new to me. i've dealt with this strife all my life. yknow i wonder, if i ever actually did belong somewhere? maybe in past life, but not this one. my mind is too dark for me to be something good. part of me wants to be alone forever, and the other part desperate longs for someone who understands me. except i keep getting hurt when i try to love, so clearly that must not be my destiny. im in so much fucking pain.
15th november 2017
eh... some stuff happened on pokefarm last night. someone heavily referenced my art so i reported them, Niet himself replied saying it was ok for them to do what they did. it happened shortly after my last journal post actually, so much for saying i was gonna use that positive energy. anyway i kinda dicked around today, didnt really do anything new. i did confirm a new kin though, which is always a kinda nice feeling. even so, i kinda have nothing to report on that i feel comfortable about going in detail. im still struggling with myself... feeling kinda icky cause i can't bring myself to tell my parents i need help aaaaand also feeling bad because most of my friendships are one sided. i wanna say idk whats wrong with me, and i wanna listen to vaporwave and disassociate until i fall asleep. but i dont think thats something im capable of doing right now, i know a little too much to ignore it like that. im in a lot of psychical pain right now so im gonna go...
14th november 2017
ok so there's a couple things i wanna talk about but first i wanted to document something that i really want to tell someone but it'd just make them worried so i guess journal only thing. it might be a weird thing to be intrigued by... but this is the first time ever in my entire life i almost fainted! i've never felt anything like that before. i had decided to slice some cheese for a sandwich but i had ended up accidentally cutting myself in the process, something i havent done since i was young. after i made my sandwich i was feeling terrible fatigued and i decided it was low blood sugar and i thought it'd be best to rush back to my room but my ears were ringing, my hands were shaking, and even my legs were trembling. i could barely hear anything cause it was so loud in my head so i went back and sat on the floor for about 5 mins til i recovered. i will never forget how loud that ringing was, it's so interesting to me, the human body is quite amazing to send me a stress signal that blaring! lmao! anyway, the other thing i wanted to mention was that... i think i have martyr complex. it flashed into my mind, right before i left to make my sandwich actually, as i was denying help from someone. i did some research on it last night, and it sounds pretty close to me. someone wrote an article about it and how it effects relationships and oh my fucking god it was like the answer to all my prayers. LINK TO ARTICLE it just felt like it answered my questions about why most of my relationships are one sided. i kinda lost my train of thought but, i think knowing i may have this is a step forward to getting it fixed. i'm pretty content right now btw, despite almost fainting and being reminded why i kinda suck. im gonna try to use this positive energy for something useful. see u!
12th november 2017
ok so i came back again today, i just wanted to write down something that i should tell a doctor. when i get frustrated/confused/anxious/anything related to stressed... i clench my jaw. i do this during the whole period im upset too, which is likely the cause to my headaches. not sure why i've never noticed it before but i'm gonna try to stop. that's all i wanted to say, see u.
12th november 2017
sometimes i feel like im destined to be a loner, and i toss myself into a different world easily enough that i can manage without social contact. not like its necessarily a good thing, but i've typically done ok on my own so far. its just interesting how someone like me who strongly believes that its ok to be alone, also has a side that is so desperate and longing for affection from people. i mean, i guess it's not weird, it's very likely that i have a certain complex that makes me this and my need to act alone is an attempt to hide it. not that i know that much about complexes, but i looked into some common ones and there is a "complex of loneliness" which matches me fairly accurately. i guess maybe its something i should bring up when i go see a doctor. i cringed typing that. anyway, i kinda rambled... the point of this journal was to actually talk about something that happened today. i rejected someone. mostly because i knew it wouldnt work but it just reminded me of how im supposed to be crushing with someone else right now. i guess that either i've been too sick to remember why i cared so much or... i dont have that same connection anymore. i mean yes, if this person asked me out of course i'd say yes but idk if i would really mean it yknow. like i haven't thought of them in while, and i wonder if i moved on. which leads me to believe i was actually just excited to met someone new, cause this crush thing has happened before when i meet new people. i hope its just because im trapped in an episode, because... caring for someone on a different level than friend is... nice. to be straightforward, i want to love someone again. except everytime i think that i start suffering from the effects of my complex (assuming i have it) and reject the idea, and usually the person. lets just say, im pretty terrible at accepting myself. in the end my thought process boils down to "why would someone love a person like me?" which... i never have the answer to. only someone else can tell me why they love me, but it's likely that it's going to be a long time before i have that answer. and i worry that i may never get that answer. i've never been able to connect with people naturally, there's always been some reluctant force. i hate meeting new people, it triggers my anxiety and i freak out most of the time. and then there's times where i get reclusive and refuse to talk to people, and when they bother me during these episodes i get annoyed with them. in the end it's almost always my fault though, and i guess im ok with that because i haven't been able to change. i wish i could just be readable to people, like they could see me and know wether or not im going to be ok with talking to them. in the end though, that's just selfish. how can i expect people to know and understand literally every weird thing about me, that's like something you'd need psychic powers for. idk what to do. sorry to end in the middle of the thought but it's time i stop talking.
11th november 2017
a short entry for today, im still having a lot of issues currently. starting to really believe the identity crisis possibility, but it just seems weird because i've felt this way many, many times before but i think i've always dismissed them as "changing sessions" for lack of a better term. basically im disassociating hardcore with a lot of things. it typically involves friends, games, activities, and art focuses. sometimes i just rapidly lose interest and act like someone else for a month until i find "myself" again. idk it doesnt really make sense to me right now, but i know that this is a reoccuring thing that happens to me, but i've always determined the change for the better and dismissed it. i recognise this feeling in particular because its like this... weird nagging at myself, like right now one half of me wants to post this and the other half is SCREAMING for me to stop typing. i'm not sure how to explain it so im just typing what i can now so that maybe i can look back in the future. basically it's kinda like this overpowered reluctant sensation that i get when i start doing something that makes me uncomfortable, i guess? im not sure some part of me fussy about typing in my journal... idk i hope future me can figure it out, because im gonna give in to it and stop so i dont get a headache.
8th november 2017
i dont know right now, i havent been typing much recently because im just... somewhere else i guess. not literally but figuratively. i had a thought a moment ago, when trying to think of why i spent 4 days away again, about how im probably reluctant to be here because im scared of myself. im scared that if i start talking in gonna throw myself down the spiral staircase of mental illness again. thats probably not good... and im also fighting with myself, i need to see a doctor but literally just saying or thinking that makes me feel heavy. its something i need to do but im reluctant because i dont want it. its barely helped me in the past, why would it help me now. my mom hates how i act on medication because i get mad, meds have seemingly only made it hard to control my temper. anyway i just dont feel like talking about that, i want to push it away and forget about it. i need to face it but im just so bad at coming to terms with it and im bad at accepting help. i dont know what to do with myself anymore. i feel like im being split in two because one half of me wants to be a better person and the other half insists on staying the same. im scared right now... i just... idk what to do.
4th november 2017
ok so its been a little while since my last post, i will admit i forgot that i had given myself the assignment to check in with myself and maybe find a solution. so i've been... mostly dicking around. i think i found out something though, and thats why im here. in the 5 days that ive been away ive been making some obvervations, granted not even close to as many as i need to come to a proper conclusion, BUT i... put all my symptoms together and realised something. as much as i shit on pokefarm its unfortunately become very dear to me, as in its basically my only social outlet right now. the reason its taken me this long to figure it out because i dont talk to people throught the site but instead through discord, but of course the only server im active in is one about pokefarm. my point is though that... without pokefarm im nothing. if i dropped pfq cold turkey i wouldn't do anything. yes there is other things for me to do, but i cannot focus on them and i get mad when i feel "forced" to do something. so ive been putting together what i know about myself and come to an assumption that i might be having an identity crisis. i haven't felt like myself for a really long time, i think it was almost 8 months ago actually... i had this one friend from highschool who was a lot like me in a way, we did a lot of things together and stuff but of course college and life kinda got in the way and we didnt get to hang out as much anymore. she was kinda the only person from my friend group who didnt annoy me in some way. i feel bad saying that cause most of my friends were really wonderful people but its just like, idk, they changed too much when they were around other people and they *had* to be in some sort of group at all times almost. none of them did anything really terrible to me but they just drained my energy or brought people i didnt like into our company which just made the atmosphere unpleasant. anyway im sorry that wasnt my point, the thing is that i was alone a lot during my last term of college and i think that's when this whole thing started. i skipped class a lot then too, which wasnt normal for me. during highschool i would never skip class, and yet in my last term college i probably missed two weeks due to skipping. i would go somewhere else, like to a starbucks or even a diner and just do something else. i couldnt stand to be in class, i couldnt focus and it made me mad so i would just leave instead, or pre-emptively avoid the anger and just not show up. i was at a very low point in my life then. things got a little better once the term ended, but i believe thats just cause i didnt have to force myself out of bed monday-thursday. it was hard still because it was a very hot summer which made me very reluctant to leave the house and i just seemingly never lost that habit because i rarely leave anymore. overall i think it's a situation that is very close with identity crisis, i have all the symptoms like being confused, i dont have any goals in life, im struggling to feel like a valueable person in society, and then i dont even know myself anymore. i can't make up my mind whether or not im non-binary or a demigirl, and im having issues connecting with some of my kin. idk what to do with myself anymore but play pfq or watch danganronpa all day. i... don't have much will to live even. i think i need to see a therapist, ive proven time after time i cant help myself and i just, right now i feel like i want to give up. idk. i dont want to tell my parents that i need help again. i dont know... all i know is that im killing myself slowly by acting like this. maybe its the discovery that im probably having an identity crisis, and that im showing signs of undiagnosed mental illnesses, maybe thats whats making me lose composure right now. but i cant keep making excuses to not see a doctor. i just... need to accept that i need help. and i need to get help. sooner rather than later.
30th october 2017
ah... i dont really know what to talk about today, but i think i should talk today to atleast check my mental state. i feel different than yesterday but i cant really tell how exactly. though then again... not really sure i'll be able to figure it out by typing, maybe im running my brain too hard right now or im picking up too much noise/distractions but im seriously unable to identify the issue. though that is a clue, im definitely confused right now. maybe im overstimulated by something. i'm struggling with that lately, where i get overstimmed and then just end up having long periods of doing literally nothing to recover from it. though another part of the mystery is that i dont know what is overstimming me. sighs. im guilty of not really paying attention though, the adhd symptoms are really showing again. tempted to have a discussion with my mother again about getting tested and possibly getting back on meds but last time she was just really convinced it's the bipolar thing... anyway, i kinda know that right now seeking medication through my parents is kinda pointless. i dont think they see me as really struggling and needing it enough -_____- i think i will make observations on my mood tomorrow, granted i remember to, and then record it here in journal format. since i cant rely on medicinal assistance i need to work on doing it myself, no more zoning out for an hour. im done talking, see u.
29th october 2017
so... i picked up a new kin recently. himiko from danganronpa, so of course two of my best friends were murdered and i had to watch a lot of people die, its really affecting me now and its just left this really aching pain on me. anyway... i just really identify with her and it's sad because she's lost a lot. i tend to ID with tragic or lonely characters and its like... LOL Isn't That Just Absolutely Hilarious! sighs. i dont really know what else to talk about honestly... i have been putting a lot off lately and it sucks. this week went by so fast... idk what to do with myself anymore i just feel like i suck. like im just a sucky person. idk... see u...
28th october 2017
feeling kinda... bad honestly. right now, i mean. im thinking about stuff that happened years ago again, because... im terrified. im so scared of being alone. looking back to my freshman year of highschool i remember that hard time in my life with such heartache. i had a crush on this boy from my class, he was nice, sweet, charming, and played the same games that i did. except i did a terrible thing to him, i shut him out as soon as i developed feelings for the sake of "being loyal" to my girlfriend at the time. little did i know she had already been seeing someone else by then and would break up with me soon. that last trimester i had 3 classes with this kind person, and yet all i did was act blatantly uncomfortable around him despite being so laughable and free around my friends. i think that he thought i hated him, for no reason. the sadest part is that i didnt even pick up on how interested he was in me for the longest time. something could have happened but i had my head up my ass the entire time. after my girlfriend broke up with me i thought maybe i should go after him but by then he got into the advanced classes and i ended up not sharing a class with him again until my senior year, and he really wasnt interested in hearing from me by then... i vowed to myself to never let that happen again. if i wanted to find someone to love then i needed to not act like a freak. except now that i finally have feelings for someone again, its just all wrong... i fear that a relationship with this person i like wouldnt work out at all because of timezones and schedules. doesnt mean i wont try but, it does mean that we wont be able to talk to each other... also i have no idea if they are even single. for all i know they are married. and for all i know they could be 27 and that'd probably be too big of an age gap. all i can do is wait until i have an excuse to talk to them i guess... idk. they are very busy lately and all i feel is worry. is it stupid to worry about someone you barely know?? im too young and inexperienced for this. i just wish i could tell them how i felt and get it over with...
26th october 2017
I haven't been here much the past few days, i meant to try to write something atleast every other day. typing helps clear my head a bit, usually atleast. so now that im here i figured i should kinda just... talk i guess. i got into danganronpa finally, took me long enough right? anyway ive been fixating on that for a bit, which makes me happy to know i have some sort of attention span left! i'm pretty pleased that i've been able to grind out 7-8 hours of content these past few days. i mean sure its not a step up from what i was doing previously but hey i broke my fixation i had with pokefarm for atleast a little bit. anyway, i also wanted to touch on... idk, my "social status" i guess. right now im not doing too well, ive successfully pushed people away again. right now, discord is my biggest social outlet... and every single server i am in is muted. also my irl friends, well whats left of them anyway, are trying to get in touch and i keep ignoring them compulsively. thats not something im proud of at all, but i know if i try to hang out with them i'll probably flake... idk. im still feeling like a shitty friend. and yeah i know i don't always suck, like i dont share secrets, im very respectable, and i like to keep people happy. and then there's several other great thing i do im sure... its just this whole realisation that i fucking suck at being a dependable person is probably just really overbearing right now. also im kind of pessimistic... in the end i think i just need to work on making it clear to people that im no good when im depressed, and that im depressed a lot.. i guess a proper description would be that im a nice person but i have an overwhelming amount of depression and typically unreliable. sighs... i dont really want to talk anymore, see u.
23rd october 2017
here again today, i guess im making up for that silent period i had. anyway im just feeling extremely depressed right now, everything feels super taxing right now and my energy levels are tanking. throwback to my post about not having a will to live, yeah thats me again. idk if its cause it's a slow day or what but it feels like all my friends are somewhere else. ive had this ridiculous headache for a couple days now and staring at my computer screen probably makes it worse but i think i'm extremely desperate for social contact and that's why i wont take a break. the thing is, im super picky about who i talk to and most people just drain my energy unless im in a generally good mood. and then there's people i can't stand talking to but they just.. keep.. messaging.. me.. honestly it's my fault for not being firm with them but it's like idk how fucking uninterested do i need to be to get some sort of signal across. there's 2 people right now who make me go on invisible every couple days because i lose all my energy the second they start typing essays at me about something i've never been interested in talking about. but the thing is that even invisible doesnt stop them because they just send me messages "for when i wake up". i feel like ranting about them like this is a very selfish thing to do... faking being their friend just feels wrong. it's just?? i dont want to hurt either of them by asking them to leave me alone, because i know they depend on me for attention. in the end it's really hurting me though, i'm typically not someone you can depend on to be there and i wish more people would understand that. it sucks and its one of my shitty qualities but im just a fucking flake by nature. it ruins my ability to be that "loyal, trustworthy friend" everyone thinks i am when they first meet me. i get bored, and sometimes im just willing to give up a great relationship i had with someone because of it. i just... i dont know myself anymore... im probably not a nice person...
23rd october 2017
not too sure why i was so quiet over the weekend... idk. im not feeling good. i dont really think my crush is interested in talking to me and it's just kinda disheartening cause i'd atleast like to be friends with them, they seem like a really cool person. and of course i have to say seem because i dont know them very well. maybe thats why they dont want to talk to me, cause they can sense my overwhelming distrust of literally everyone... sighs. not my point today... anyway, i just kinda wanted to write today since i hadnt for a few days. which is rather unlike me and i think im back in my rut. not like i was ever really out of it but i was making a little progress and then fell back in to it like an idiot. and on top of it i was trying to fix my sleep schedule but i think i just fucked it even more :/ instead of waking up around 7am i've been waking up at 3am and going back to sleep and waking back up at like 1pm. which is arguably worse than waking up around 11am. i feel bad because now this worse schedule was formed around letting my cat in my room at night because she's a lot calmer when she sleeps with me, but i can't get a good nights sleep when she's there cause i need to leave the door open and im constantly waking up to some noise or because another animal is in my doorway. i've had issues with the other cats knocking stuff off my desk or playing in the closet and one of the dogs will pee on my floor too. it's just a mess... but i really want to sleep with my kitty cause she needs that attention. i mean honestly, im more than willing to sacrifice my already shitty schedule for her but my other activities will suffer if i sleep all day. and then i end up having these periods of time where i get away with forgetting and before i realise 3-5 days have passed. i think i'll break the cycle today but then again i dont know because im really tired but i woke up at 5am and its 9am now. sounds like a familiar loop there? anyway that's all for today, see u.
19th october 2017
just wanted to make a more light hearted post today after that mess i wrote last night... ive been thinking it over and at heart i know im not a terrible person, just a bit more of a difficult one im sure. i think i focus too much on the fact that i burden people, which im not sure i really do as much as i think i do? i like to complain, and im working on keeping that more appropriate. i think overall if i just keep striving to work on recognizing when im being a pain that i'll grow to be a more likeable person. a couple of my pals say that they dont know how anyone could not like me, so i guess thats a good thing. i'll try to see the light in things from now on, instead of just clouding my view of my self even more. anyway im out of words so see u.
18th october 2017
hi im here again. just... wanted to vent i guess. another one of my friends broke up with their qpp today and it just... kinda hit home i guess. im single and incredibly lonely, and i really miss having an s/o. but this stuff just, idk. reminds me why nobody loves me. because im a package deal of un-fun trauma that its just better off to just not get close to. sure i have some redeeming qualities but i think im just too much. i can be the nicest person in the world but that wont cover up my unbearable amount of flaws that cut me to pieces everytime i try to love someone. maybe thats why i always keep my crushes secret, not because im scared of having feelings but instead scared of the eventual break up because the other person grew to despise me. i remember my ex once referred to me as "a needy intolerable pest" and like? at the time i just ignored the person showing me what she said because i thought she didnt know me well enough to know that im not a pest but really i am. i really am... nobody wants to date someone like me. thats why ive been single for 3 years.
18th october 2017
stepped up my site security a little bit today since i now have a link listed to a page on pokefarm. now all i have to worry about is spammers and maybe a crazy person who sets up a program to find all the pssible valid urls... >.> anyway... not my problem right now so im not really worried about it. plus if i get several spammers i can just find a new solution instead of individually blocking them. ok yes that wasnt what i was going to talk about today but i totally fucking blanked... so... im just going to keep talking about it... basically i just set up a couple scripts and la la la so now i can redirect and rick roll spammers. nothing to worry about tbh, shouldn't affect the non existent people reading this. ugh i really am just talking to myself... atleast that spammer kept me company. i have a headache... and im worried. god when the fuck am i not worried? im always anxious about something or other and i just want to die. also i just now realised i havent eaten since like noon and its 3am no wonder im about to puke. see u i guess.
16th october 2017
felt like yapping today, kinda in a negative mood right now... just overall unhappy with the art team on pokefarm but of course every time i talk about it i come off as "hire me, im better than you" or hateful and i end up getting in trouble. im just too scared to share my opinion anymore which honestly something pokefarm shouldnt be proud of. maybe im just over sensitive but they've effectively silenced someone who has a motor for a mouth so idk what that says. i would ramble about art stuff but it just seems like a waste of my energy... anyway im kinda worried about my crush, they havent been very active lately and i hope its just cause theyre busy and not like.. depressed or anything. that would make me upset, i just want them to be happy rip... on another note, my mood today has been interesting? its very wavey and not in control. glad im not a very impulsive person. anyway i guess thats all i have on my mind right now.
13th october 2017
idk why im here today honestly... i guess i just wanted to talk but like i dont want to talk to myself i wanna talk to someone in particular... i feel very uncomfortable with my emotions right now but i have literally no one to talk to. i cant talk about this person because someone's gonna pick up on who it is and its going to make me anxious. idk why but ive always kept my crushes secret, probably because i dont want people to know that sometimes i do indeed get feelings for someone. by nature im a loner, i get tired of people too quickly and honestly that scares me. as much i loved my ex i still sometimes wanted to stop talking to her for a couple days. maybe thats why she didnt like me... whatever... anyway this isnt about my ex this is about someone i care for despite knowing hardly anything about them. a while ago i learned that they are 8 hours ahead of me and it just concerns me why they're up so late all the time... i think they work or do some activity cause they aren't online in the afternoon and it seems weird to sleep that long? idk... i really want to know more about them but im not going to pry, all i have now is just my ability to be creepily observant i guess LMAO... i wish i wasnt such a curious person because it really conflicts with my anxiety and then i cant think or say what i wanna say. i would like to talk to them more but i have no conversation starters. also they dont really share anything about themself in general so i guess its just a hopelessly slow journey to get them to trust me enough to open up. anyway im just gonna stop here since it seems kinda weird/rude to talk about them in a place they probably cant see. sooo see u i guess.
12th october 2017
figured i should log today, this isnt supposed to be just a venting space but also a place to journal about my day and generally check up on myself. been thinking a lot lately, i mean when am i not thinking, but i've noticed that its nearly only when i over analyse something is when i can find my true feelings about the subject and often times that includes my own mental health. i am a victim of peer pressure, which typically hasnt always been a bad thing because i think i talk to good people but also the overwhleming replies of "its going to be ok" sometimes covers up and obscures my pain from myself. which then leads to me not fixing the issue because ive managed to pretend it doesnt exist. sometimes thats ok, honestly... like, anxiety in particular rarely has any basis in reality. i get anxious when i typo in a public chat sometimes, or sometimes i hear a loud noise and think i might die. idk, shit like that doesn't really warant an excuse to be angsty so i like being able to cover that up. but then there's other things im woried about, like my parents marriage slowly self destructing or my brother potentially getting sued that while its nice to pretend those problems dont exist i really need to acknowledge them and maybe actually do something about it. like... getting a job. or atleast having some form of income. eh... anyway that turned into a rant but my point is that ive come to terms with that my over analyzing issue isnt actually as bad as i thought it was. ive kinda always been embarrassed by how much i think when honestly it does some good. its helped me sort people into groups in order to keep myself safe so i probably should stop forcing myself to be naive. i think its about time i try to cut ties with people i no longer enjoy talking to and start spending time doing something to increase le thinky thonk power levels... had to say that so you know im still the idiot katti you know, lmao. anyway tis all, see u.
8th october 2017
makes whiney noises cause the person i wanted to talk to today wasn't really around. probably busy... waah. idk why im so anxious and eager to talk to them cause i actually did speak with them a bit today. eh... anyway, today is a lot better than yesterday already made $15 off selling some shit on pfq, LOL. plus a ton of site currency. i think im gonna save up a ton of credits and hunt an ultra beast, dex it for a crazy price, then sell it for a crazy price! haha. i like plotting. i think im gonna just stick to the plan of making as much money as i can. i want to sell melans... i hope i get this stupid barboach soon. ok enough about pfq, it makes me seem just as obssessed ad i was a couple days ago. i think that overall i need some change in my life. im an extremely bitter and sometimes even petty person. i think i need to relax a lot and so im gonna work on that. i kinda feel icky thinking about how much of an angry person i am. sometimes its justified, sometimes its not.... i dont know what else to say, ending this here. see u.
7th October 2017
Welp, I guess the last straw was pulled today. Pokefarm has banned advertising of offsite chat rooms because they're too lazy to properly handle them anymore. It doesnt help that i know if i had just told everyon to shut up yesterday about that guy in chat this wouldn't have happened. im so glad that now i am exactly like my friends, always a fucking pain in the ass and ruining pokefarm for everyone cause the mods are a bunch of pussies who think cisphobia is real just so that they can ignore people getting killed for being otherwise. i just think the whole staff team are a bunch of idiots who can't run a site appropriately. ever heard of quality customer service, kiddos? yeah didn't think so. people who take their job seriously would listen to people instead of further shoving their own head up their asshole in a strife just to prove they are right. im glad this happened in a way, maybe the little rats will finally leave the discord server. eh... actually nevermind, they wouldn't do that cause you know, katti might fuck up again! gotta stick around for that shit show. im going to be just like their beloved transphobic cucks and im not going to resign my manager role. im a reasonable person until you start stepping on me. anyway, another positive thing that happened is that i lost attachment to the hellsite today. cool beans. im going to continue playing, except my goal now is to make as much money off the site as possible. congratulations pokefarm staff, you played yourself. ok that's all for today, i hope this is the end of the storm now that ive finally learned to shut up. hopefully my next post will be much less... agressive. anywho, see u.
5th October 2017
fahn stuff happened today. just kidding! i never have fun. day 900 of getting yelled at for having bad opinions. how dare i feel differently than Joe over there. how dare i want to stand up for myself. god i wish i could just shut my mouth or like, not be so damn salty. it would do me a huge favour! anyway, basically what happened is i got annoyed/outraged/whatever for pokefarm "revamping" my babies. sorry that i dont want them to look ugly. :/ and then some idiot who called my friend a fucking suicide bater went off the hook today in the public forums. people were yapping about it so i yapped too and guess what? im in trouble again. oopsie daisy, little katti shouldve kept her mouth shut right? god... no offence but this asshole deserves to be gossiped about. anyway i hope i can stop getting in trouble. it's so stressful and it kinda just turns me into an an aggressive little cunt as you can tell by my typing style in this post. i guess that's all for now. im gonna go calm down. see u!
3rd October 2017
today i joined a friend's dnd group, it's all voice chat and like i suck at it but ok. im hoping it helps my anxiety get better, or help me get over the fear of talking to people on the phone again. they seem to want me there so i wont chicken out lmao... anyway just wanted to talk today again. not sure what about but i guess my general feelings throughout the day. so im feeling a lot different than yesterday, not better per say but just... less wanting to die? i guess that's how to put it. in simple terms im ok. i mean i haven't died yet so! :D my motivation levels are still low though, every conversation i had today quickly died cause i couldn't formulate interest and i feel bad cause it happened even with the person i like... now reflecting on that i feel like shit... GREAT. i guess it's better than the shit feeling i had yesterday at least. in the end it's not the worst way to end a conversation but it's been like 3 hours so im not going to ressurect it. ehhhhhh... dinner kinda made me bleh so maybe i'll go to sleep early tonight. doubt it though, unless i try right now. but my parents aren't in bed yet so they'll wake me up. sad life i live. woe is me. waaah. anyway i deem this journal entry pointless and im just going to keep rambling to myself so see u!
2nd October 2017
sometimes i wonder if im slowly killing myself. im lucky to be young and to have a fairly fit body, can't help but wonder how much worse id be if i was more unhealthy or was older. it's probably best that i keep those thoughts away. at the time of writing this, i cannot identify a will to live. i don't necessarily want to off myself, but it's just a scary and uncomfortable piece of knowledge i have. it's not the first time ive felt empty. and there's also been worse moments where i have contemplated. one of the few things that keeps me alive is that i wont let my parents loose another kid and also that am... terrified... of death. suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem, i live by those words when i need to. most of the time i can be a happy person, its not always masks and fake smiles. i remember a lot of times that ive been geniunely happy, and i know that i'll get to keep experiencing more if i stay alive. but of course there's a lot of things that make me consider death too, and im just going to keep experiencing them as well. i don't expect life to be a perfect thing, especially not when i have anxiety, manic depression, and now that i think about it probably PTSD too. anxiety causes a lot of my nightmares but sometimes it's things i dont want to revist. sometimes i walk into a situation thinking that's its going to be fine but something gets triggered and i'm forced to silently break. my parents don't even know that i once dated a demon, they think all i do is blame everything on my sister's death. i mean yeah, a lot of it comes from that too. my ex was one of my only comforts during that time too, which ultimately makes things worse? so yeah... when she died my whole life turned around and i have my own set of triggers from that, and then when my ex gave up on me it flipped again. i dislike the idea that two events from my past can still haunt and control my life now. i want to be able to mature and move on but i don't think i can do it alone. i want to cry for help and make someone help me but that's so fucking unfair to them. i wish i could be a better person, where getting to know me is fun not a pity trip. i hate myself for being a package deal of trauma. this is probably why all my irl friends left me. this is probably why my ex left me. and this is why im never going to get to share this journal with anyone.
1st October 2017
Decided to log today, I wasn't really thinking of anything in particular that made me want to type but idk, i guess i just wanted to yap. seems like me. after my last post i've come to the conclusion that i have not been acting like myself at all lately. lately as in when i started crushing on someone and due to my lonely nature its hard. it's always hard... i really wish it wasnt tbh. i wish i could build a bridge and get over it like everyone else. all my friends have been able to control their feelings more than i have ever been. so while i'm sure theres others who suffer like me, i don't know anyone who shares this and therefore and left alone to my thoughts and therefore this journal. i wonder if i'll ever delete this journal in a fit of rage, or if im ever going to get to share it with someone i deeply trust to not judge me. or atleast someone who will read this and be able to pick it apart and get to know me more than anyone ever will. at the time of writing this i honestly feel like my closest friends are slowly fading away. im tired of that happening every where i go. im so tired of letting myself get hurt... i want to stand up for myself and be a good person but all i end up doing is coming off as naive or just a fucking prick. apparently people still think im stuck up. apparently my attempts to show that im actually thinking about others very often just fails. i hate being such a flawed person. i hate having these mental scars left from bad people. and i hate when i think the wound is healed someone cuts it right back open. i know now im probably just sounding really edgy, but i mean it. im not trying to speak in poems or riddles, i just don't know how to speak clearly. probably due to the fact ive been silenced all my life... anyway moving on from that i guess, today i did do something good. last night i had to punish someone for not following rules, but by offering to disscuss with them i was able to find out the problem. people told me i shouldn't discuss, and yet when i did i fixed the issue. makes me feel somewhat better knowing im a reasonable person. anyway that's all for now, see u.
30th September 2017
It's over now I guess. I pushed and I pushed and now... I'm done? I guess? I can relax now... but frankly i dont want to relax. i want to keep trying to give myself a name, a meaning, something to them but i dont know how. i don't think it worked... i think it hasnt been working. my overall interest in the project excedes theirs tenfold. am i too enthusiatic? is it that my interest was poorly chosen? i cant tell. its so hard to read you. please speak to me... i only see lonely nights right now while i stare at the ceiling wishing i could go to sleep and be awake to speak with you. i want to close my eyes and not feel the need to open them again because im too anxious to handle it. i hate myself for devoting so much to you, when in the end it doesnt matter that much. if im to be so infatuated you'd think i would be able to pick up on you more, be able to read your text and know, atleast a little bit, what was going through your head. i wish i knew whether or not you smiled when i said something silly. what facial expression you get when i message you. am i just like everyone else you know? or am i someone new, someone who incites curiosity? ...i wish i could tell you how i felt...
27th September 2017
Changed stuff around here today, found out someone i do NOT want here was here so cool, my urls are in finnish now. except its bad finnish because i cant put รค in urls. anyway, enjoy. nobody can find my site now and idk how to feel about that because i want this to be accessible to people who want to learn more about me, except someone who wanted to stalk me ruined it. thanks a lot for that. anyway kinda wanted to ramble about today. decided to open a new art shop on pokefarm because why not i guess, if im going to be there might aswell be doing something. its not like ill be hatching that melan barboach anytime soon! (: i keep spending all my currency on upgrades and stuff lately and im gonna try to slow down, starting to get a tiny bit burnt out i think? maybe its because the staff are horrid people and believe in stuff that doesnt exist so that they can ignore minorities getting killed but whatever! what can you do when youre one silenced person up against a bunch of fascists. i like the site, niet did a good job making it fun but its just his buddies suck ass hardcore. moving on from pokefarm i think im going to try to get back into a couple old hobbies, dabbling in code and re-learning finnish. changing my urls today reminded me how much fun it is to know another language. im gonna look into finding some cool ideas for this place, maybe make it better. it started out pretty shitty but a little css here and there can go a long way! i also want to be able to do cool shit that coders do, just to be a show off XD but also because im probably going to need it later in life cause of the whole "major in game design" thing. im worried i might abandon that someday... like dont get me wrong it seems like a lot of fun but in order to do it i have move all the way across the country, and the ciriculum seems difficult... and it's going to be highly competitive im sure ): sighs... i wish i was better at art, so i could live with a roomate or two and be able to just draw all day. id love that, and i think having the mindset of "its a job youre getting paid" will be a good motivator tbh. anyway, thats all for now... see u!
26th September 2017
Was not planning on posting here today, but here I am. Very, very unhappy with the staff on pokefarm right now and it's not like I can rant there because they'll fucking ban you for saying anything bad about them. Dictators. Last night some guy posted in my trade shop asking for stuff I will never sell, normally I'd just move on but well, it's the 4th time theyve done this and I had already asked them to stop a week or so prior. So I reported them. Please note, I had also reported them twice before for double posting and repeatedly harassing me. Obviously nothing was done those times because they came back. So I'm filling out this user report last night, took 4 hours for Mauhea to reply telling me they'll get a staff member to help me (protocol) and then another hour after that to get SporkoBug to help me and by that time I had gone to bed. When I wake up I see that Sporko wants me to tell them when I had told this user to leave me alone, so I go into my thread and start looking for the post. Alas, it was gone. On pokefarm the only people who can delete forum posts are staff members. So some asshole came in and deleted the users post and my response to it, leaving me with no record of actually telling them to leave. I reply to the report with the previous posts from this user breaking my shop rules and tell them mine and the users post was deleted. I check the modwatch and look for the timestamp of right before and after my report was replied to and see Garthic delete two posts within the same minute and Sporko delete another 3 within the same minute. Seems suspicious to me, and probably something Garthic would do to me because he probably hates me for insulting him once. So right now I'm pretty effing peeved. I go check discord to talk to my pals and well, 2 of them had gotten account locked for "hate speech against cis people". Pretty fucking fucky. I hate this website and I wish I could drop it. The staff suck ass and dont do their jobs (as seen with my report) and are way too opinionated and emotional to be running this site. I hope pokefarm burns one of these days.
25th September 2017
Nervous again, for reasons I am not proud of so I am not sharing but also because I realised just how much of a rut I got myself into last night. I like someone whom I barely know, I'm fucking addicted to a pokemon collectables site that im using it as a coping mechanism, and I really need to go back to school. Applied to a few new places today for a job, maybe this'll work out this time but I'm scared because both places want previous experience and well I only had one job before that I quit because school + work was giving me dangerous thoughts... so we'll see. I would honestly rather go back to school then start work again so I'm also looking into getting back on track in January. I wasn't planning on going back to community college so I didn't do anything this term and therefore cannot start the mini game design program the school offers, but that's fine because that would have me taking an minimum of 14 credits (about 4-5 classes) per term and I would kinda like to be able to keep a potential job and not want to kill myself due to a stress overload. Anyways my parents are going to be out of town so I'll have some time alone, hopefully I can go do job interviews and such without my mom questioning my outfit and giving me a trainwreck of anxiety right before I leave. I think that's all for now, I don't know what I could write to get rid of the pathetic feeling in my gut but whatever. I'll live. I always do... See u.
24th September 2017
As usual, I over thought my last journal post. So now I'm sharing my thought process on the kinda of information gathering I do when I meet new people and try to analyze them, which is likely going to end up in my describing my trauma. Anyway, when I meet a new person I typically get anxious and hyperaware around them. This is cause I'm trying to figure them out but almost alway get overstimulated... -___- A couple examples of what I watch for is 1. Sense of Humour, 2. Typing Quality, 3. Emoji Usage, and 4. If They Like to Talk About Themself. When someone falls into a grade similar to mine I tend to get excited to meet a new friend, similar to a clingy puppy! Not really, being clingy is a big fear of mine. I don't judge too hard, but red flags in each category are as follows (using the corresponding number from list) 1. Judgemental CisHet:tm: is a no go, 2. I don't care how you type actually, but capitals and puncuation can be a sign of not being comfortable, 3. again dont care i love ironic emoji usage, 4. When people refuse to talk about themselves at all I get worried like are you ever going to open up and what are you hiding. That's all, honestly, like I said I'm not too picky but I just watch for cues that can tell me about who I'm talking to. I don't know why I bothered writing that now since two of the categories don't even have red flags. /shrug ANYWAY that's a little insight to my thinky thonk, in hindsight being an overcautious prick is probably annoying. Well that and the fact that I talk about myself a lot. As predicted I am now going to talk about my trauma, well... Not really. I do not like talking about that. Trauma is just the reason I do this shit because I had an abusive ex that I really enjoy blaming because it's funny I guess? Dating someone who only wants you to do what she wants for a while can really fuck you up. Yup yup. I'm a broken individual on a permanent redemption arc because of her. That's all for now, see u. big mood song
23rd September 2017
You never realise how much you enjoy talking to someone until they go to bed, and you're still awake thinking about it. Recently I met a logical fellow, I'm sure that if they read this they would know its about them but I kinda don't care. I leave information here on purpose, why else would I have written that if I didn't secretly want to talk about stuff other than what we usually do. Anyway, yeah..? If the feeling isn't mutual I'll respect that, of course. It's just nice to talk with someone who shares similar qualities with me you know. And I get the feeling they also over analyze shit just like I do 24/7, no one seems to want to talk about being weird with me, sighs... Branching off of that I have been hyperaware for about the past two weeks, but also struggling with not having the energy to ask people the things I want to ask. I have sooooo many questions keeping me up at night, its wonderful... I was being sarcastic, I hate it so much. I also suck at starting conversation so they will probably never get asked. Figures. I finally figured out what was making me anxious, and I think it's coming to end as I've been able to eat again sometimes. Due to the hyperawareness I have been noticing stuff that I do and start coming up with estimations of what other people think about my action. For example, in a mix up (not an argument) I start typing then I decide "no" and erase it all and end the topic. I assume most people either think I realised I was wrong or they actually picked up on that I was going to say something that would have gotten me in trouble. Sometimes I hope it's the latter, honestly, makes me feel like a more interesting person when I have a dark side. That's the kind of stuff that I think about all the time when I'm talking to someone. I always want to know what people think of me so I can improve. I'm willing to do that, I have my own little set of personalities I use with people to cater to their needs and be their friend. Typing that makes me self conscious that I come off as fake again, but really no everyone does that. Everyone acts differently around others, that's just how it works. It suprises me as to how few people know that, even though they do it themselves... Anyway I'm running out of stuff to write right now, but I am believeably pissed that my attempt to use a favicon FAILED again... See u.