page 2: 26th Mar. 2018 - 15th Dec. 2020

Page 1 : Page 2 : Page 3

read newest to oldest

15 december 2020

never remember to write here but anyway i am sending christmas cards to ppl so i looked thru my google maps search history for addresses and oh boy. theres an elephant in the room! its the fact tht i never deleted my hs crush's address from my search history. and also the fact that i dont think i should. like. theres just so much shit ive lost. so much stuff i will never remember bc i have no record of doing it. i wish i journalled here more often for that reason. but its like. if i delete that address im just forgetting that dark era of my life where i wanted so badly to be a fucking stalker. likei know how i got it, i was in one of the class rooms and someone had left a huge list of students and their login info to the place you can check your grades online. i was with my friend and we decided to take it, idk why. i kept it and looked up my crushes name bc i wanted to know his birthday i think but that website also had his address on it. i never went to his house but it was like. i just couldnt resist knowing the area he lived in. im really ashamed of that. i think it would be good of me to delete it but at the same time i will never do anything with that information. and i also dont want to forget i did that. i dont wanna like relish in the guilt or anything but thats like. wow. i really did something horrible like that. i think i should know that about myself. it kinda feels like.... grounding in some way? brings me back down and makes me remember a Lot. i have a lot of memories associated with my crush, and i dont really want to forget them. maybe if i remembered other things from highschool, i would be fine with it. but there is such a small amount of stuff that i can actively recall. theres so many memories ive lost. i think it will be fine for me to keep it in my history, since the purpose is to not forget the memories associated with it. if that makes sense. idk why im still so attached to this guy, who i havent seen in years, but i feel like... this is one thing i need to remember and learn from. if i could redo one thing from highshcool, it would be to make sure i dont mess up with him again. it would to keep him as my friend. the version of him that i love so much is fictional and in my head, and even if i could reconnect with him somehow i dont think i truly could. if that makes any sense. idk. i think this is something i need to know i will not be getting closure from. idk. just felt i should talk about this here.

21 october 2020

ohhh no its been so long since i talked here again hahaha////// uh yeah. got over my twitter thing like mid september btw. im here today cuz i wanna think about like. why im still so turned off by dating. its been a year and 2 months since i officially broke up with my ex. i guess that one good takeaway is that im not someone who rebounds?? lol... but its still like. hm... i read a lot of romance. i listen to romantic songs all the time. i would love to love someone and spend time with someone who is special to me in that way. but i just. also dont want it. when i try to look deep into the emotion i feel its like im just, kinda tired. im too exhausted to have a partner maybe? theres some mix of "it wont end well" too though. and idk. maybe its cuz i dont want to date someone... i want to find the person i settle down with ?? maybe?? i dont want heartbreak again. theres also the fact i dont know a single person im kinda interested in... and i feel like thats kinda the main problem. like sure ive had a few minor crushes. there was my coworker from last october i liked a lot, but it didnt go anywhere cuz we only knew each other for like 2 weeks and worked like 2 shifts together and thats was it... i dont know if that was technically a rebound. just someone nice to be in my time of need. because i Do crush on people who seem to care about me. i usually snap out of it tho in a week. i also had that comphet crush last august but even if i did like men in that way the dude has really shitty political opinions that betray way too many negative traits. theres some girls on twitter who i think are cute but also happen to be WAY out of my league. but these are all people who are Not Options, and i dont even consider them to be something to daydream about or aspire to be with. i think this is just demisexuality speaking here but theres not one single person im interested in. and it makes me sad. it makes me wonder if im gonna be single again for 5 years. if im just destined to be destroyed by my antisocial and extremely introverted tendencies. who knows. i'd like to go back to therapy, it would be nice to have a voice of reason in these times. im just... i dont wanna jump therapists again. i could probably go back to my old one. she was nice and i liked her. but idk... i dont wanna do these distance sessions. i dont feel comfortable at all doing it at home. so yeah... fuck me i guess lol/ maybe one day i'll figure stuff out. for now i'll just keep moseying along all confused-like

27th august 2020

ok so its been a little bit. so lets catchup. over time i've been feeling like social media is a huge drain on me. it is. thats a fact. im losing my mind feeling super paranoid rn. also a couple days ago my ex started bothering canta asking to talk to me so i ended up being a huge dick and saying really mean things that went completely over his head. he said that he changed and promised to do better and be my friend again and apologised/acknowlegded he abused me again but also wouldnt respect my boundaries by accepting that i said no. he also dropped an "i love you" at the end so yeah. fuck that guy. anyway THATS NOT WHAT IM BROKEN UP ABOUT. i have to copy paste something i wrote on twitter here.
"i lowkey want to leavemy main twitter i think ikeep getting softblocked which like. is okay ! ur free to do that its urspace. but it also makes me feel insane bc my brain is stupid af and it makes me obsess overthe idea that people probably hate/dislike me. i used to be so good at calming myself down and being appropriate online but these last few months ive really been losing it. ithink it started last year but ive been going downhill very fast andi legit cant tell if this stuff is just all in my head or not anymore. social media is the last place for an unstable person to be but im very conflicted because this is Very similar to being in public and socializing for me n since i cant do that irl due to the pandemic, leaving just means further isolation. i neeed to go back to therapy and like get on meds but thats so much easier said than done. i only remember this when everythings closed and figures that i can never schedule doctors apps online, i always have to call which is so inconvenient and extremely difficult 4 me. i know what isolation does to me and its worse long term i think than feeling paranoid, when i isolate i lose a lot of memory and feel super apathetic all i do is sleep all day and barely eat. its not good for me. but i despise this paranoia. i dint even know the source ither than its fucking twitter. its not one specific thing its a mass multitude of just shit on top of shit. i can handle the constant bad news on my feed, i like reading about activism and knowing what's really going on. its stressful and makes me sad usually but that's definitely not a big contributor to my problem. i think the biggest thing is just the actual manner in which ppl speak to each other. i compulsively read threads and the bigotry and nonsensical arguments are so draining. the way ppl act like certain ppl should just give up and literally die is infuriating. im intensely frustrated by those posts. thats where the energy drain comes from. but that doesnt explain the paranoia?? i dont really do anything in a community aside from make fanart and talk abt stuff occasionally.. i dont have v many friends and i dont talk to v many ppl. but i still have this super crippling fear that people despise me. and it really doesnt help when i see both my following and follwer count continually drop as if people are softblocking me every other day. is it because i dont do anything?? what is it?? am i liking the wrong posts?? am i following someone bad?? did i pick the wrong side the last time someone in wc fandom aired their dirty laundry ?? i just dont understand what im doing wrong.. aaaaand thats where the paranoia is. thats the problem. anyways i should delete this soon idk why i even put this here and not in my journal where it belongs."
what a downer. idk why im surprised i have social paranoia. im so tired of this, of everything. it really feels like nobody cares about me on twitter. like i could just leave and nobody would miss me. i guess thats fine.

19th july 2020

just rambling a lil but its kinda weird being mentally ill w trauma AND pretty bad memory loss like. some important stuff and things im reminded of does resurface eventually but its so strange looking back at my life. like ive talked abt the caterpillar thing a couple times but this isnt the first time ive been obsessed with an animal for several years. i know this and know some of the other animals i went crazy over but i just dont really ever think about it until someone else reminds me. thats probably normal? to forget things like that. but i forget... everything unless its always in my face AND deemed important. sometimes this is fine but then its like... other times this isnt okay. feeding my fish, working on my comic, artfight? all super important i HAVE to do these things.
eating, working on art that makes $, washing my sheets/clothes, taking a shower, ect. are all things i can logically see as important but not important enough to do. if i dont do these things the moment i see them, i will immediately forget about them and it can be days later. obvs things like eating and showering do happen but other stuff is often put off till the very last minute after my safety net is gone. doing laundry is the hardest thing because theres so many steps to it. i often will forget my stuff was ever in the washer, and unless someone else reminds me (and i get up right away) i forget and sometimes it takes days for me to finish one load of laundry. ive learned somethings in therapy to help with this. like when im doing laundry i try to not get into something that i cant drop the second the dinger/alarm goes off. but this memory thing intensely messes with my ability to make habits. and this is where the long term issues of this memory loss thing come in because my mind is so used to blanking, and being allowed to constantly blank, that i cannot do things like learn to drive and go do anything but art in college. and to circle back to the childhood thing, i dont remember much about it unless i think really really hard. on first thought if someone asked how my childhood was, i would say it was fine and believe that.... when it absolutely was not.
its very easy for me to shrug off that i was passively bullied by my friends for 4 years in middle school bc i dont really remember it. i know it happened bc my mom explained it to me, and a couple of them apologised for the way they treated me. its so easy for me to say i had a good relationship with my parents and believe it, because thats what i have now (aside from a few issues i have w my dad). but my mom used to force me, like actually force, to take pills and several times i threw up. my mom would meet me at the bus stop if i had bad grades and degrade me the entire walk home. she would constantly yell at me for shit and never help me, even though i was like 11. and my dad would just let her do that. when my sister passed away she neglected me and my brother when we needed her. it wasnt until after highschool (i think?? i dont actually know but it was prolly around this time) that i FINALLY had an okay relationship with her. theres a lot i dont remember. i just wish i was normal. my brain died idk what else to write here

28th june 2020

havent written here in a while oops. copy pasting about my abuse from my priv twitter
He would constantly withhold affection and care and ignore me when I really needed him. He would guilt me into saying I'd be okay with having sex if we met, and if we talked about anything other than sex or how much I, ME, loved him then hed start an argument. I felt like I had to isolate myself, I fell out of touch with all of my other BEST FRIENDS because I felt like if I hung out with them I wouldnt have time to hang out with him, and he would talk poorly of my friends too if I mentioned them. He would literally fight over the stupidest bullshit and get mad at me until I apologized, then acted as though I was being manipulative and trying to force him to apologizing (we fought over if a lion was a cat. and if he should sell things for $ on pfq so he'd have food money, he would fight me about opinions on TV shows and fictional characters. He always had to be right) He was mean about things I was passionate about, criticizing or showing little interest in my art beyond basic compliments. I commissioned some artwork of our ocs together a couple times and he didnt care about a single one of them and criticized the artists for making "mistakes" that werent there. He hated my cat and said horrible things about her if I mentioned her. He acted as though he was jealous of my fucking cat, and made disgusting jokes about zoophilia multiple times because to him it was unnatural to like an animal. Anytime I brought up these things that hurt me or made me very uncomfortable, I, ME, was the problematic one. I was too sensitive, too needy, too demanding. I will admit that I am clingy but is it that bad to want to talk civilly with your boyfriend atleast once a day? He would not talk kindly to me, hed either be uninterested or flat out ignore me. Which made me resort to wanting to talk or joke about sex, which "somehow" always got his attention... hmm. Hed tell me stories about his intimate experiences, and always seemed disappointed when I said I had none and wouldnt know what to do. Another thing he liked to repeat over and over, was his status with his exes. He had 3 he would frequently discuss and I only knew 1 of them, but the other 2 were "mean" and hurt him. And he was still upset with them, and was mad one of them didnt want to remain his friend. This undoubtedly means hes going to talk about me, and likely do the same he did to them which is skew their words and act as tho he did barely anything wrong and their negative actions were unwarranted. He is willing to smear the image of others behind their back. One of his exes, the one I knew, he would constantly misgender. He would not use their preferred pronouns because he was mad at them. Despite being trans himself, and dating a nonbinary person, me. He asked me like twice during the whole year we were together if I was okay with she/her pronouns. I knew I was nonbinary, but at the time didnt mind she/her. But what he used those to call me a girl. He wouldnt really believe me when I said I had minor dysphoria either. (For context I do occasionally have bouts of dysphoria and there are things that trigger me but it's not as bad compared to other trans people) One time when I explained what I experienced, he tried dumbing it down to just an effect of having social anxiety. He tolerated my identity, but that was it. Adding on to this, he would ask me often if I was sure I wasnt a lesbian and would say that i "cant love him for his girl parts" mind you I never even saw one pic of him so that's... clearly not what I was attracted to. He would act like just because I found girls attractive that meant I didnt find him attractive and I'd frequently have to console him to the point I was uncomfortable (such as saying i liked male parts) So why did I even bother with him? Why didnt I leave sooner? Because I felt trapped. Because I was being abused without even knowing it. Because everytime I had a problem, the solution was to suck it up and deal with it or lose the person i loved. Did I really love him? I think for a bit atleast, or maybe the idea of him. I wrote in my journal about a month and a half after started dating, saying that "the moonlight faded pretty quickly and I feel kinda numb" Over the year I ended up writing some of the worst things I've ever wrote in my journal. Lots of suicide ideation and self loathing. That was in my face, I knew I was in a bad place but I still couldnt leave him. One time I was eating breakfast with my family at a restaurant, and he decided that we needed to have an argument and pressured me into talking to him. It was literally just him berating me over and over, saying that I was demanding too much and i was hurting him. I remember feeling so sick I couldnt eat my meal. I told him I where I was and that I'd be better to chat with him after I ate but no, it had to be on his schedule. I couldn't defend myself and I was left trying my hardest to not break down in public. I told him that I would break up with him and his tone changed. He pretended to be indifferent and letting me decide but it felt clear that he didnt want me to go. I thought to myself, "did I get thru to him? Is he going to finally care about me?" That didnt happen and we had a few more arguments like that until I said I was going on vacation with no guaranteed internet and wont have time to talk to him as much. Which he seemed to think that meant he didnt have to check in with me at all and ignored my messages to him. So finally... I ignored him too. That's how it ended. It was like we ghosted each other. When I finally said we were broken up, he acted as tho we could stay friends. I tried to but I couldnt, and I blocked him. All this time I thought I was equally to blame, but I wasnt. I wasnt. There were things I could have done better, but it's not my fault he took his anger out on me. It's not my fault he thought it was okay to neglect me. It's not my fault for being his next victim.

24th april 2020

god i really need to push this to another page soon this is depressing as helll :| how did i manage to survive being that depressed for months on end. anyway i think ive been feeling better especially since ive started my comic? i know i come here to rant a lot but i usually AM actually OKAY! its not as bad as i make it seem sometimes i think. this years been alright, i hope things are looking up for me

2nd March 2020

today is not a good day. its 5am! i took a nap earlier, which ended up being like 25 mins *wake up* 25 mins *wake up* 25 mins *wake up* ok fuck this shit im feeding my fish soon anyway and i just didnt go back to sleep. so much for having any resemblance of having a sleep schedule. canta is talking to me again. talking about pfq. my thoughts go to my ex and naturally when i look at his profile he still has all the pokemon i gave him in his party and his bio still says that we're dating. what even is the point in pretending. i got curious and trinity's deviantart, which is atleast completely abandoned, still has shit from me all over it. i just dont understand why this information wouldnt be the first thing to go?? well maybe not the first first thing but WOULD BE GONE WITHIN THE FIRST FUCKING WEEK OF THE BREAK UP. YOU WOULD THINK?????? its been 6 months and he still sometimes logs into pfq. the most annoying thing, which i'd say would be hurtful if i cared, is that his link to me has a username that was changed feb 2019. so he literally didnt care enough to just. update the link. he literally didnt care. at fucking all. i remember asking him to but he never did. god i cant believe i fucking dated him. god but i CAN believe that i was so stupid and desperate. never again. never. again. i think ive learned my lesson. other people in this world only care about themselves. people dont care about me. im just someone who exists and is usually in their way. if i dont submit to other people, then i'm suddenly not worth their time. all the things i have accomplished i have done myself with no ones help. everything sucks. i wish someone had my back but i should know better from now on. no one will ever be there to catch me if i fall, i have to look out for myself now.

24th february 2020

sometimes i wonder what would have happened if i hadnt fallen into a disconnect with baylie and her friends cuz they seem like such a cool ppl and like being mutuals w them is cool but i so scared to talk to them for NO REASON AT ALL hghgjd me and baylie are still friends but i worry that she is too nice and respectful to my overwhelming need for space so she wont bug me, which i mean i prefer!! to not be bugged!! but i wish we still had the close friendship where we could talk and it didnt feel like we might be bugging the other person. i mean idk maybe im overthinking it. shes sweet though, im gonna try to interact more. ive had a mild crush on her for years that i've never pursued and sometimes i wonder if thats why i feel so awkward, but i want more art buddies ;-;

3rd february 2020

starting my comic on the 5th!!! im very excited, and i want to try to journal more often. today i was thinking about my ex again but like. differently this time. i feel like it might be helpful to try to analyze the emotions i felt and why i stayed. like the short answer is that i craved affection and was so neglected that anytime i got basic human decency i felt overwhelmingly loved, and being mentally ill made things worse bc i got stuck in a cycle of thinking i was never going to have another chance at love and that it was a game that was hard win. i dont say this with the same bitterness as i usually do, which is why im actually entertaining the thought. i might make a mini comic or something to share my thoughts someday. you can say things like 'dating advice: dont date mean ppl" but despite all the overwhelming evidence that i was hurting i still stayed. its kinda odd to think about, and so many people experience this. not because they are blind to toxicity but that they dont want to believe it and feel bound by love, even if it hurts. i dont think i should blame myself for it, because im allowed to make mistakes. im having a hard time formulating words so im gonna stop but see ya!

28th january 2020

its been a little bit! i think im doing ok, i found a song that sent me thru the 5 stages of grief and its... weird. first things first, i've been reading a lot of fanfiction. my love for dragon age and specifically alistair has reawoken, so im indulging in fanfic. i do enjoy them but it makes me feel a little.. bitter. bitter because my last relationship started sucking 2 months in and i drug my feet thru the last 10 months occasionally wanting to kill myself because of it. so it is.. really weird reading angst. i think im gonna be a lot more picky about the fics i read, i do not enjoy angst as much as i used to now being on the recieving end of it for nearly an entire year, but maybe its just cuz it all happened like 5 months ago. and then i found this song, in bloom by neck deep, strangely it was in some random persons favourite songs playlist on youtube, so shout out to them? thanks? this song though, its weird. LIKE ITS GOOD i love it and the band has a couple other good ones too, but it reminds me of what i went thru but not in an angry or violent way. but in a way that makes me accept that something bad happened to me but even so its not the end of the world. "And stop calling me out we're never going to. Put the pieces back together. If you won't let me get better. And stop digging it up or we're never gonna. See it all in bloom" is the chorus. it just reminds me of the things i said to him. and how in the end he said we can be friends and he seemed like he wanted that. he wanted to stay friends even knowing it was awkward and uncomfortable for me.
and so i unfriended him. i will hopefully never have to talk to him again, and it makes me happy for 2 reasons:
1. he doesnt get to hold me down anymore
2. he doesnt get what he wants.
im sure hes telling his new gf all about me, since he loved talking about his exes so much, but honestly.. i dont care. its not my problem anymore. it used to be, but thats on him. im going to move on and get better, im going to go bloom uwu

5th january 2020(!!!)

first post of the new decade B)
i've been meaning to write here more often but i keep forgetting to and its been awhile (its techinically the 6th, its 12:08 but im writing for the 5th so :p) i put together my 2019 art summary like a weekish ago and im trying to stay postive about it. i still like a lot of the art i made but i dont see any noticeable improvement and i got stuck doing transparent bg stuff. trying to do better! i've already made three pieces with a background, 2 im pretty proud of and 1 not so much but i think that one would be fun to redo later on when i can execute the idea better. the pink hollyleaf one is now my most liked/rt'd tweet on twitter im legit so ;;;;w;;;; i got 6 new followers from it im so thrilled. i really want my art toget out there! that really motivated me so i made another illustration of hawkfrost and its already doing pretty good i really hope this will attract more people to my art. im so so desperate for more followers lol i just! wanna post art and actually feel validated!! im going to realy try this year, i want to succeed.

19th December 2019

ugggh i dont really have anything to write here. i had a weird dream earlier. a couple days ago one of my fish went missing so i think my brother killed it by not feeding them while i was gone fore literally one fucking day but i guess i cant put off getting an auto feeder now. i need to apply or jobs but im just like o___o hating everything. my family has a short temper lately so i guess i have a short fuse too. thats all for today.

13th December 2019

tfw u go thru and delete all your shitty art of you and your ex and you feel weird as hell but glad that its gone.
like its not really the final nail in the coffin since its been over but it was kinda weird. reliving the idea that i made art of us and wondering if that brought me more joy than the relationship actually did. if pretending that he was there with me at night to keep me safe like that would ever happen. i know i cared about him but theres something bothering me bc like a month in a half into the relationship i made my first post about how i didnt like him anymore. and like sure you're not always gonna like your s/o i guess? especially when you yourself is depressed and easily stressed/can have a shorter temper but like... i knew something was off like 6 weeks into it and i let it drag out for a whole year. during last may i think? we had this big fight and it was at the breakfast table of some restuarant. i told him i was busy but he wouldnt leave me alone. i remember being super sick and only eating like a quarter of my food. i wanted to hang out with my family, they were buying breakfast for me, but he just couldnt talk later and so i snapped at him and told him that i was gonna break up with him bc i felt he was just beating aroun the bush and trying to break up with me... then he like changed his mood and did the whole "well i dont want you to leave but i wont stop you i guess" and "i thought you were going to break up with me and thats why i behaved this way" and in hindsight he was just trying to shove the blame on me (something he seems to enjoy doing) but stupid emotional me was like ok fine we can give this another shot (pretending i hadnt been squirming in my bed every night wishing i could have the guts to kill myself) and i just was never attracted to him again after that point. he became a chore. i should have told him to block me and move on with his fucking life.
i dont really think about him very much nowadays... but when i am reminded of him i feel very bitter. not just at him but also at myself. the way i knew i let people hurt me and how i studied my own behaviour to know when to tell if someone's hurting me. to make it even worse i had done some of my self observations in my mature journal on pfq which he read. so he wasnt in the dark about my tendencies to walk right into harms way in an attempt to make people happy but he either used it to his advantage (i dont think hes that smart) or he was just careless and wanted me to grow up (more likely). which is fair to a certain extent bc my emotions were not soley his problem, but its kinda compareable to giving alcohol to an alcoholic. i dont know if i'd say he used me bc he didnt really get anything out of hanging out with me, which was very obvious i just didnt want to believe it. he never put me as a priority and was always bored talking to me. which makes me wonder if he thinks i used him bc i kinda did for attention but at the same time i was his fucking partner if i couldnt ask him to talk to me then he should have fucking broke up with me the first time he felt that way. i never wanted to hurt him and thats why i stayed. thats why i was loyal to him for literally no reason bc i didnt want to hurt him but lo and behold he probably wasnt attracted to me since long before our fight in may. idk why i waste my time typing about him here anymore. hes a shitty person to be in a relationship with and hes a shitty friend who never wanted to talk unless he needed something.
i forgot to finish this rant so its not the 14th 10:54pm and im in bellevue washington rn but i unfriended him on discord finally i dont want to dedicate anymore time or energy to him. bye!!!

7th December 2019

it was kinda funny like the day after my last post the ex started bugging me again for the nest two days. i told him i wasnt in the mood to socialize and im trying to be very cold with him so that he fucking gets the message without me having to be like 'hey i dont like you anymore' an then having to exaplin why. like sure youre not soeone i would consider an abuser but you still gaslighted me and constantly made me feel bad about myself. im not about that shit
but since yesterday ive been kinda thinking. the decade is almost over. i think ive matured a lot, which is to be expected bc i was literally 10 at the star of the decade but its still... relieving to know i dont do absolutely stupid shit on the hour like i used to. i'm still thinking about whether or not im a lesbian. so marshmellow guy has been rather chatty in the fiend group chat. im not sure how to feel about him cuz i do like him but as a friend. which makes it sound so much simpler than it is bc comp het makes me wonder if i SHOULD be liking him more, and then my insecurity is like oh yeah dont you want someone to hold you??? piece of shit? dont be picky? so yeah its kinda weird. i feel like if he were to ask me out now i would say no but thats also cuz i barely know anything abt the guy except that he does nice things and hes smart but hes also very secretive. anyway i was having this internal discussion with myself that kinda sparked an epiphany, something i need to carefully be considering from now bc of my martyrdom/tendency to have one-sided relationships. my brain was trying to trick me into liking this guy, and then i randomly thought... what if i only want to make HIM happy? which is kinda interesting. like no doubt i would be happy in a relationship, but men do scare me regardless of how nice they are. men absolutey terrify me and i cant imagine having to be in a real... for lack of a better term "hetero" relationship with a cishet man. i dont even want to think about a sexual relationship bc i know i would break under pressure bc i both secretly like to be used and i want to make other people happy. and so when i think about the question where would i say yes or no to him if he asked me out, i get a little bit confused bc i default to yes (in general situations even if they make me uncomfy) just bc i want people to be happy and like me. i know logically i probably would not enjoy a relationship with a man that goes further than snuggling on a couch watching a movie (fully clothed) but some part of me on the inside thinks that since i would enjoy a little bit then i dont know the full picture. which is true to a certain extent, but not exactly. you dont always have to experience something to know, but its part of whats tripping me up. i like girls and i feel way safer around women than i do men, but i still beat myself up over it bc "not liking men" seems abnormal. BUT, and the last but im gonna say today, i know that i dont like men. i know this. i enjoy comfort and im touch starved to the point i THINK that i might be willing to allow a man to touch me, but i know deep down that im not going to enjoy it. which is kind of a sad thing to think about, bc i have such a hard time communicating with people in general that by blocking men from my relationship just means im going to be single for a really long time. i hope that i may find a cute lesbian girl who wants to hang out with me, even if we dont date i think i need to have friends who understand it. and also to have friends that dont gossip!!! if i ever said that i liked mashmellow boy to my current friend group word would eventually get out to him. I DONT TRUST THEM like i only told them about jessie AFTER WE GRADUATED i love my friends but ugh. also i regret telling them that bc they probably think im bi and not a lesbian. i just love girls ok i cant help it. men are scary and i dont like them and i cant help that either.
also i had a thought the other night, marshmallow boy used to really look like alistair from dragon age. i remember being like huh hes kinda cute in highschool but one of my friends had a crush on him so i was never interested. also he kinda seemed like a jerk back then too. i was very very surprised by his 'sudden' change in beaviour in august, but i say sudden only cuz i never really hung out with him so i didnt know him very well. hes not a bad looking guy but i think just the whole gesture of being really sweet an funny was something i like a lot about fictional men (like alistair) so maybe thats why i like him?? i dont even know. maybe im just a sucker for like cheesy romance like making a marshmellow. thats just so legendary. getting someone to like you because you made them a marshmellow. i know im easy but wow im just really that kind of person sometimes. sigh

30th november 2019

me: i should journal more often
also me: never fucking touches this unless i cant post publicly abt it
so basically i realised my bf is a pos and now my ex. i got fish like 3 weeks after my last post too they are so cute. thats not really what i want to talk about though. sometimes i wonder why i bent over backwards for him when he rarely ever did for me... and it was so obvious too. my friend who barely knew what was going KNEW that i was hurting all the time. how i couldnt pick up on it, even tho i came here to vent so many times, ELEVEN FUCKING TIMES jesus christ i just went back to count. why didnt i just break up after the first time he made me want to kill myself. thats literally so upsetting. never again. i never want to date a guy again. i feel like that changed me. i feel very different than i did when i met him. i think i finally got my lesson that no matter what, no matter how lonely i am, i have to have standards.
anyway i wasnt even gonna talk about that but i saw my last post and felt i should make sure it gets down that im done with him lol. he has another girlfriend already its probably the same one he wanted me to make a birthday card for. for fucks sake. ANYWAY. i think im a lesbian and not because i had a bad experience with guy but. i think i only dated him bc he wasnt a cis guy ugh. i feel like i had some internal transphobia or something, bc i literallywould have dumped him much quicker if he was cis. then he was like maybe im not actually trans but i dont want to use she/her for him cuz he already had a problem with me liking women. which btw was another thing i just repressed and set aside. he wanted me to treat him like a dude and so i did? but he still was like but u cant like my boobs and stuff which was fine... but he kept going on and on abt how i cant like him for his 'girl parts' which thats not why we even dated. but... it might have been why i stayed. i cannot imagine kissing a cis guy without feeling queasy, even the fictional guys i really like i cant. my fictional persona in those games can do it but not me. i dont like... men. and i dont think i should date another trans guy because i feel like i would be attracted to the wrong things about them. which is not good and i feel bad about it, cuz i truely believe that trans guys are men. they arent cis men tho and i dont like cis men. i dont think im actually attracted to trans guys tho cuz they just arent girls and thats the thing. its just confusing and hard to think abt cuz i feel like if i seek a discussion with someone about 'what if im lesbian' then ppl are just gonna assume i only dated my ex bc he was a trans man (and then think i dont think they are men) OR they will think im just saying he turned me full gay. but the thing is... i only identified as pan because i had that crush on jessie for so long, but the thing is... i wouldnt date him. i like the IDEA of him but he wasnt a good person in the end. he was good looking but i would feel uncomfortable if he touched me. maybe it made things worse when i threw his personality onto Felix and stuck him with Remy, and so then i thought i wouldnt date him because the picture i had of him in my head was so warped and unrealistic by then that i wouldnt like the real jessie. but i feel like i finally know. i mean... ive known that i wouldnt date him but i feel like maybe i finally know why. it was weird tho cuz i just recently had a bit of the feels for a cis guy in my friend group but i think thats just because he was sweet and made me a marshmellow when i didnt want to stand by the fire. like that guy isnt bad or anything but i dont see me dating him and just the mental image of kissing him is like Mega Ew... idk. i think its not a bad idea to let it sit around in my head for a bit before declaring im alesbian just so that both me and the people i interact with online know im not just saying it. it also doesnt help that theres fucking dubasses who think bi/pan lesbians are thing. like no. lesbians DONT. LIKE. MEN. men cannot have lesbians. you stupid idiots are making this hard for me lol. anyways see you.

26th august 2019

i think it might be interesting to try to write here more often again. today i cleaned up the majority of my room, it's nighttime so i have to stop and continue tomorrow. i would love to own some fish, but i need my room clean. anyways, the thing i wanted to write about today was about my connection with the internet. when i go thru periods of just not touching my laptop... i feel better. when i don't have to talk to the people that drain my energy on discord, i feel better. the sad thing about it is that my bf is starting to drain me. he's been busy for over a month and his computer is broken so we can't watch anything or play games together. i miss him a lot but i feel like he doesn't care about me as much. work and school are always coming first, and im starting to resent it. i hope i can get over this lump... at the end of june we finally had our argument about the way we treated each other. we both were unintentionally hurting each other and i was 100% ready to leave, but then i thought there was a chance that things could get better... he stopped being an ass but the sad thing is that i feel so apathetic about our relationship. when its good, it's really good! but he's too busy to even message me more than a 'hello' every day. he's too busy working on his schoolwork and other stuff that he cant even just talk to me for 10 minutes. i can be there right when he messages me, but he wont reply for several hours and i just cant stay up waiting for him. i just don't know... maybe if i catch him while hes on today i'll talk to him but it hurts. maybe not as much as it used to, but relationships aren't supposed to hurt all the time. i can't love someone who will never see me as a priority... i also wanted to mention that over the weekend i hung out with my irl friends from highschool, and i was worried that i wouldn't like it but it was really fun and i loved it. one of the guys that i wasn't super close with from highschool was there and i was pleasantly surprised by how much kinder he is now. my friends didn't annoy me like they used to, and i didnt feel super awkward like i thought i would. it was really nice feeling... i want to hang out with them more

7th june 2019

for once not coming her to whine about relationships but i just feel like i dont belong anywhere. i kinda like pokefarm because it makes me feel like people care about me, and im trying to build my deviantart more too. but i feel like everywhere i go, something i do comes back to haunt me. and its not even... bad. the staff on pfq dont like me, but i dont like them so it should be fine right. but i feel like im being watched like a hawk and im only good for making art. but even with art people would rather get it for dirt cheap. i like designing but people dont buy my adopts anymore. i like drawing but people only want one thing and i dont wanna draw one thing over and over. i wanna participate in warriors, but i put tons of effort in for nothing and that hurts. i just dont think people care about me, like i'll never be a cool person that people like. im just forgettable

30th may 2019

wow i went one whole month without coming to the vent zone lol. i wish i ws dead. my bf doesnt love me. i cant ever just fucking respect people. all i do is piss people off and then play victim. i wouldnt put up with me. i know im gonna kill myself one day

30th april 2019

depression is hitting me hard... i dont want to eat anything cuz food just doesnt sound good. i guess i could eat like.. soup? but i dont wanna do dishes just to eat something as unfilling as soup. its just like.. i just dont even know. how does this even happen. i was thinking earlier about what would happen if i did go thru with killing myself and yeah the outcome doesnt seem really cool. plus i dont know if ending it would even stop the pain? what if i have to keep suffering in the after life? sometimes i wonder tho... if my sister hadnt died i wonder if i would even still be alive. i dont know anymore.... the bf isnt gonna let me live this down so ill have to explain to him eventually but i just... i dont wanna deal with that. i dont wanna have to go thru the next version of "you want to break up with me cuz im too busy". i just. i dont wanna do that... and you know i finally understand the whole 'money doesnt buy happiness' saying cuz? ive wanted a relationship for so long but it didnt stop me from breaking myself and didnt stop me from feeling empty all the fucking time. i have no life goals and i have very few skills. i just dont think im going to live a full life. one of these days im going to kill myself.

30th april 2019

idk what im supposed to say. that i wish i was never born? i wish i had been killed? i wish i had the courage and self respect to kill myself? this pain just never stops. im going to deal with this my entire life. is it self hatred to keep going? am i just supposed to believe this is gonna get better? it may go away for a bit but it always comes back and it hurts more and more. i just want this to stop. i need.. silence

29th april 2019

i wish i was dead i wish i was dead i wish i was dead i wish i was dead i wish i was dead.... nobody fucking loves me.. nobody will ever love me. i dont deserve anything and i wish i was fucking dead. i wish i never met anyone. i wish i died alone. why the fuck cant i die. why am i such a coward. theres nothing strong about being too scared to die... i wish i was dead. i wish icould tell you how i feel. i wish it wasnt always 'ok then break up with me' cause i just.. i dont think you love me anymore.

15th march 2019

i wonder when things will go back to the way they used to be. i wish i wasnt so attached to affection cause i suffer when i dont get it

10th march 2019

sometimes i wish i didnt exist. i wish i could just... be okay with not being loved enough. i feel like... in the end, im just gonna end up alone and forgotten. and those who still remember me wish that they didnt. life's not fair to most people, but sometimes everything is just so unbearable i wonder what would happen if i just... disappeared...

25th february 2019

i feel so unloved right now. i cant stop being anxious about my boyfriend. i dont know what happened. he says hes so busy but hasnt mentioned *why*. i get why he would be busy at work on the weekends but even if i stay up really late he just doesnt really talk to me much until i go to sleep. i ask how hes doing and he either wont answer or will take 3 minutes to reply with 2 or 3 words. if i say im sleepy, he immediately replies that i should go to bed if im tired. 7 mins after i say hi to him (granted it was like 3 hours after i normally say hi) he replies saying that he has to leave and that he just assumed i was asleep even though discord shows me as online all day. like idk maybe he forgot to say hi too but it really feels bad. its been like a week since he starting being too busy to even speak to me. its hard to reply to him too cause im disappointed but i have no idea how to tell him its alright to have things to do without sounding either careless or like a brat. its hard to just communicate my feelings without being overwhelmed with self doubt and making sure i dont sound like im saying its okay, i didnt want to hang out anyway. like i told him the other day that its okay and i wasnt expecting to vc anyway (since hes such a chicken about it) and he seemed really hurt. all i know is that i definitely came off as sounding rude like "oh i dont want to vc with you" but i just literally meant i wasnt counting on it to happen. like that i wasnt going to be upset when it didnt happen. my chest hurts a lot and my eyes are stinging just thinking about this, but i thought should try to get some of it out of my system....

17th february 2019

me again. its been a long time since ive considered self harm. ive forgotten what this felt like. this overwhelming urge to do something, anything, to distract you from the pain. i used to be able to vent by imagining hurting those who hurt me, but i just can't anymore. i dont wish this pain on anyone else. but i wish there was a healthy way for me to cope. its hard to find things to distract me right now, music doesnt help, talking to someone certainly didnt help, drawing doesnt help... im kind of at a loss. i thought maybe thinking about kin would help but it just makes me sadder. spice was abandoned and had no friends. hajime lost the one he loved most and had to live knowing he was the catalyst for the end. kuro destoryed everything and was banished. its sad to know that deep down i consider those lives to be better than my own. maybe this is my test, and i have to overcome it to get my happy ending. but my key to a happy ending breaks my heart, gives me anxiety, and misinterprets what i say enough to the point where sometimes i just don't know anymore. i'll probably never be happy, and im probably going to commit suicide one day.

17th february 2019

back to remembering why the doctors thought i could be bipolar. everything fucking hurts. i hate having anxiety, it gets so hard to breathe sometimes. i'd probably have less trouble breathing if i rubbed my face on my cats and inhaled all the dander than i do right now. i feel like everyone is mad at me. i feel like when i do something nice people just smile and say i shouldn't have. ive forgotten how to interact with people irl so i don't know how to just be myself without getting freaked out anymore. ever since last night ive been so tense that my back, ribs, and neck are so stiff and achey so today i was just so drained and had to visit my relatives on a dead battery. i wish i didnt fucking exist.

14th february 2019

you know, its kind of interesting how much can change within a few months. i feel like shit reading my last post. maybe its just cause its valentines day, but i fucking love my boyfriend so much. im nervous about the future of course, but i really love him and i want to see this through. i think its important to write about the bad times, so that you can look back and remember that mistakes can happen. its important to know how you felt during that time, so that you can move on. but i feel like a complete opposite of my last post here. i dont care about jessie, its something i learned to overcome and while he may always have a special place, hes not who i love. because i love my boyfriend solomon more than anything. we go thru somer ough patches, and it was hard when i had that job at amazon. but its gotten better, and we overcame the problems between us. we communicated and it feels good to know that we got through that low place. i am a better person knowing this man, and i want this to last. maybe it's weird to say but i want this to last forever.

25th october 2018

i wanted to write while i was feeling indifferent about my relationship, so i'm coming back to typing in here. i feel really weird, im starting a job in a few days and thats good, im glad to be having some sort of routine soon. but... it makes visiting my bofriend a bit more of a reality than a "wish you were here" thing. and honestly im not sure how i feel about that. im not concerned about money or anything like that but its like... sometimes when i think about how i feel about this guy... it feels numb. sometimes i get all blushy, fuzzy/warm, and genuinely happy! but other times i just feel numb. apathetic, emotionless... numb. its like? do i really, truly care for this guy? i always talk about how nice i am and for a long time i didnt realise that behaviour was just me comforting myself. im not going to ask someone to tell me that im a good person, so instead i'll just tell myself that. but honestly, sometimes im not a good person. i dont mind doing nice things for people, but at the same time i typically don't do things for other people to make their life better, i do it to make myself feel better, or for self gratification or to make people like me. and the thing is, having a relationship really confuses me. i like him a lot, and i definitely dont want to hurt him, but i dont care about this relationship 20-40% of the time. and it kinda sucks feeling this way? i like talking to this guy and i think i love him but at the same time idk. do i want to keep going and wait til we're in too deep to back out?? i'd like to say its too early to tell, but it makes me feel guilty sometimes. just knowing that this guy supposedly cares so much about me and thinks im really nice but idk... maybe im just gonna have to make it so that he will agree with me, whenever i want things to end. i've thought that i always wanted a relationship, but i think that i just wanted a relationship with jessie, someone who i truly loved and wanted. not someone who i liked more as a friend than a partner. and especially not with someone who never wants to talk face to face with me. im not going to call it quits yet, but sometimes... i think we might not work. i never thought i'd end up dating someone who has more anxiety than me... he once asked me "do you ever wonder if we're too different?" and i was like "nah of course not"... but i can't stop thinking about that. and it was a couple weeks ago when he said it. im worried that he's right, i want to think he only said that cause he was anxious but i wonder if he feels it too. the rift between us. the fact that we can never do anything together out of fear that the other may not like it. idk, i want to say that i hope im just overthinking right now, but some part of me is trying to tell me "this is the truth, be careful while walking this path" and yeah... i can't bring myself to deny that this relationship probably wont last long enough for us to meet each other. and you know what? it's going to be my fault, because i got a job. because that's what spoiled his last relationship. not the fact that his ex didnt love him, its the job that drove them apart. maybe that's too aggressive on my part, but i just have this sinking feeling that things are going downhill. everytime we try to fix something that's bothering us, it ends in someone stopping something. he stopped complaining 100% hen i asked to just tone it down. and i stopped trying to get him to watch tv with me cause he doesn't like anything i do. he says he doesnt like to voice chat, so i try to only ask when he's alone. but when he's alone? he can't hear me, or he has stuff to do. and the one and only time he said it was a good time, it wasn't for me. and then he never told me when he was avaliable again. he doesnt respond to funny pics i send to him, probably cause he doesnt find them funny, so i rarely send them anymore. if we keep going in this cycle of "oh you dont like that? fine i wont do it anymore" then we are not going to have anything to talk about. we're already scrapping by for conversation cause "he's too boring" but really? is listening to me ramble about pokemon go, a game he doesn't even like, really that much better? i know he doesnt like it but it's pokemon, and he atleast understands it. though i suppose im just justifying a stupid conversation topic there. but in a way... is it really my fault that the only thing we seem to be able to talk about is things that we disagree on? idk... i dont even know anymore. i'm going to talk my therapist next week and see if i can find a solution to this. i dont want to view it like me vs him, but sometimes it's damn near impossible to get him to view it like us vs the problem. i just dont think i can keep going in a relationship that is so frustratingly passive and boring. and i know i said im not concerned about money, but if i go visit him that's going to be atleast $1,500 im never going to get back. i want to make decisions that aren't going to keep me up at night wondering "is this really worth it?", i'm tired of doing things that i know i will regret in the end. and while there's a chance i wont regret going alone to a foreign country, to see someone i barely know.... my family is going to make damn sure i regret spending my first few paychecks to meet my online boyfriend.

23rd October 2018

its been a a while. typing on mobile is proving to be especially difficult so keeping this short. but I'm starting to get it. the guy I was talking about in march, the one with the bad bf... well we're dating now. and I think i really do love him. atleast I want to. the the moonlight faded quickly and I cant stop thinking about jessie. and how much i wish I just talked him.and it sucks.. really sucks.. i need to stay with my bf, and not the guy I never dated.

26th march 2018

oops its been 3 months since i posted lol... ive been posting my shit on pokefarm during that timeframe. im here today though because i need to vent about something someone cant see... one of my friends boyfriend is just?? honestly so wild! like theyre doing that "i'd die without you" shit but also the "you ignored me so im gonna block you and get unreasonably pissed off for 3 days" crap too. it hurts me watching that. i dont want to see one of my close friends suffer like that. and like it hurts more cause i kinda like the guy and i hate seeing him stuck in this situation with his bf... im just really sad.